wanna hear NOTHIN' outa you right now!
can't you evah pay attention to ME??
...
and quit staring at other chicks??
Take Care
Alcoholics have a weird and inexplicable indifference to their own lives and the consequences of their actions. We act as though this is not our life, as though this is a test run. Most of us don’t quit until we have destroyed everything and everybody around us. All the while we think,” it’s not all that bad”, “I can stop when I want to”, “I’ll try to control it from now on”, and “… is sicker than me”.
A generalized lack of taking care can be observed in every alcoholic’s life. We don’t have ambitions for careers that require work. We’re usually not much interested in drinking enough water and getting good nutrition. We can’t show up for our own physical hygiene and medical care, and we usually don’t remember to do these things for our dependents, either - children, animals, and plants can consider themselves lucky if they survive. In the midst of a messy life with dried-up resources, suffocating in mounds of dirty dishes, laundry, and trash, while our neglected kids and pets are acting out in despair, we offer our ravaged bodies to others, hoping that they would make us feel good about ourselves… The irresistible need to GET some love and attention in a romantic or sexual way… makes us do foolish things, which sets us up for rejection, insult, and humiliation, where self-pity takes us to suicidal ideation. BUT we refuse to acknowledge the obvious and we don’t take “no” for an answer in such matters. Repeatedly we try to bully people into desiring us. If coercion doesn’t work, some of us go the extra mile towards trying to arouse someone's feelings via negative attention in a variety of ways, none of which works out in the end.
You see - we have a severe reaction to the truth. We lie around too sick to show up for the day, worry about the world, and blame others for not caring about us, as in “Everybody only thinks about themselves. Only I, I think of me.” An alcoholic life is a hard life, and we ruin people’s mood with incessant complaints and demands while we are busy seeking oblivion from the scary and chaotic life we bring about all around us. We want to “take the edge off” - and our children have to fend for themselves, without parental companionship. This is a blind spot for us, though. Fear makes us self-righteous and we refuse to acknowledge the obvious. We may still think we’re “cool” while people are feeling sorry for us. When our partners and families comment on it, we deny it. When they ask us to change, we resist it. When they leave us, we hate them for it.
In recovery we learn to take care of things, one step at a time, one day at a time. We get the chance to unravel the knots that have appeared like unsolvable riddles and insurmountable obstacles. As we become empowered, the fear subsides, and the need to blame diminishes. We realize that we can find some contentment, when we have our brain at our disposal and actively participate in life. Life becomes manageable when we have some faith and put one foot in front of the other. By being loving, compassionate, and forgiving to others, we find love and forgiveness for ourselves. By walking through fear, the hell we created gradually fades away into nothingness. By seeking to bring love and joy to those we touch, we find that this process creates love and joy around us.
Through tending and nurturing the wasteland that was my life, I can make it happen – I can bring into existence the life I want to be in.
A generalized lack of taking care can be observed in every alcoholic’s life. We don’t have ambitions for careers that require work. We’re usually not much interested in drinking enough water and getting good nutrition. We can’t show up for our own physical hygiene and medical care, and we usually don’t remember to do these things for our dependents, either - children, animals, and plants can consider themselves lucky if they survive. In the midst of a messy life with dried-up resources, suffocating in mounds of dirty dishes, laundry, and trash, while our neglected kids and pets are acting out in despair, we offer our ravaged bodies to others, hoping that they would make us feel good about ourselves… The irresistible need to GET some love and attention in a romantic or sexual way… makes us do foolish things, which sets us up for rejection, insult, and humiliation, where self-pity takes us to suicidal ideation. BUT we refuse to acknowledge the obvious and we don’t take “no” for an answer in such matters. Repeatedly we try to bully people into desiring us. If coercion doesn’t work, some of us go the extra mile towards trying to arouse someone's feelings via negative attention in a variety of ways, none of which works out in the end.
You see - we have a severe reaction to the truth. We lie around too sick to show up for the day, worry about the world, and blame others for not caring about us, as in “Everybody only thinks about themselves. Only I, I think of me.” An alcoholic life is a hard life, and we ruin people’s mood with incessant complaints and demands while we are busy seeking oblivion from the scary and chaotic life we bring about all around us. We want to “take the edge off” - and our children have to fend for themselves, without parental companionship. This is a blind spot for us, though. Fear makes us self-righteous and we refuse to acknowledge the obvious. We may still think we’re “cool” while people are feeling sorry for us. When our partners and families comment on it, we deny it. When they ask us to change, we resist it. When they leave us, we hate them for it.
In recovery we learn to take care of things, one step at a time, one day at a time. We get the chance to unravel the knots that have appeared like unsolvable riddles and insurmountable obstacles. As we become empowered, the fear subsides, and the need to blame diminishes. We realize that we can find some contentment, when we have our brain at our disposal and actively participate in life. Life becomes manageable when we have some faith and put one foot in front of the other. By being loving, compassionate, and forgiving to others, we find love and forgiveness for ourselves. By walking through fear, the hell we created gradually fades away into nothingness. By seeking to bring love and joy to those we touch, we find that this process creates love and joy around us.
Through tending and nurturing the wasteland that was my life, I can make it happen – I can bring into existence the life I want to be in.
Breaking the Chain
Quotes from parenting group
I never talk about my feelings. My daughter is doing well, but she won’t talk about her feelings.
I had a sense of entitlement. I want my daughter to appreciate things.
My parents tortured and abused me. I never trusted anybody. When I went to jail I had to leave my daughter with my family. She doesn’t trust me and it hurts.
I didn’t feel protected. I protect my daughter.
Discipline came first. We were hit with a belt. I want for my son to enjoy his childhood.
My parents locked me up and forced me to go to church even though I cried and hated it. I would be open-minded and listen.
My mother did my homework. I felt guilty. I would not do these things for my kids.
I never learned to express my feelings as a child. I need to work on expressing my feelings to my kids.
I didn’t get much validation when I was little. My kids get validation from me.
My childhood was happy until 15 when my father passed. I missed him terribly. My mom didn’t help me – she was always jealous of me.
My dad was my hero. I lost him to heroin. He is in prison on murder charges. I will work the program to the best of my ability. I want to stay sober.
We did a lot of screaming at each other. I have tried hard not to do that to my children.
My parents were abusive. I didn’t learn about respect and boundaries. With my children I did the opposite – but I didn’t have a voice then and I don’t have a voice now. Sometimes I snap.
My parents divorced when I was 2. I didn’t have a role model for relationships.
I wasn’t allowed to be me. I did the opposite with my daughter. She is 18 now and she is incredible.
I never talk about my feelings. My daughter is doing well, but she won’t talk about her feelings.
I had a sense of entitlement. I want my daughter to appreciate things.
My parents tortured and abused me. I never trusted anybody. When I went to jail I had to leave my daughter with my family. She doesn’t trust me and it hurts.
I didn’t feel protected. I protect my daughter.
Discipline came first. We were hit with a belt. I want for my son to enjoy his childhood.
My parents locked me up and forced me to go to church even though I cried and hated it. I would be open-minded and listen.
My mother did my homework. I felt guilty. I would not do these things for my kids.
I never learned to express my feelings as a child. I need to work on expressing my feelings to my kids.
I didn’t get much validation when I was little. My kids get validation from me.
My childhood was happy until 15 when my father passed. I missed him terribly. My mom didn’t help me – she was always jealous of me.
My dad was my hero. I lost him to heroin. He is in prison on murder charges. I will work the program to the best of my ability. I want to stay sober.
We did a lot of screaming at each other. I have tried hard not to do that to my children.
My parents were abusive. I didn’t learn about respect and boundaries. With my children I did the opposite – but I didn’t have a voice then and I don’t have a voice now. Sometimes I snap.
My parents divorced when I was 2. I didn’t have a role model for relationships.
I wasn’t allowed to be me. I did the opposite with my daughter. She is 18 now and she is incredible.
Two Sunday Speakers
1) Man
My wife came to visit me in rehab. She was 8 months pregnant. The next year she came to visit me in rehab and she brought a piece of cake from my son’s first birthday. All I talked about was how much I loved my son.
I used and I lied for many more years. My friend had given me a pity job cleaning his laundromat. It ended with everyone kicking me out and me going to L.A. county jail. I was taken to AA meetings, but I just couldn’t get home sober. I learned all about relapse triggers, but everything was trigger for me. Death was never an issue or a worry.
… and then… there was a little moment or a quarter inch of grace and I decided to finally do what they talk about in this program. I have been sober ever since. These days I tell the truth all the time. I love a lot of people in this program. We laugh…
2) Woman
My boyfriend left me. I asked him, “Why did you leave me?” He said, “Do you really want to know?” I said: “Yes, I really do.“ He said: “You drink too much.” I wanted to kill myself every single day. I went to jail. I didn’t put it together.
When I got to rehab a tech told me, “Now all your dreams can come true.” What happened was that I moved on and I changed my life.
At 11 years, I quit my job and I had nothing (don’t quit your job when you don’t have another one!). I realized that I had always lived on Ego – what I thought I am and what I should have.
I finally did what I never wanted to do and for the 1st time I understood what the 3rd step really means. The promises came true for me. I just walk the path and I don’t judge it. All I do is pray for the knowledge of God’s will for me, and the power to carry it out. That’s it.
I got a really good life now. I’m cool with just being a blade of grass. The true wealth is my experience and my friendships.
My wife came to visit me in rehab. She was 8 months pregnant. The next year she came to visit me in rehab and she brought a piece of cake from my son’s first birthday. All I talked about was how much I loved my son.
I used and I lied for many more years. My friend had given me a pity job cleaning his laundromat. It ended with everyone kicking me out and me going to L.A. county jail. I was taken to AA meetings, but I just couldn’t get home sober. I learned all about relapse triggers, but everything was trigger for me. Death was never an issue or a worry.
… and then… there was a little moment or a quarter inch of grace and I decided to finally do what they talk about in this program. I have been sober ever since. These days I tell the truth all the time. I love a lot of people in this program. We laugh…
2) Woman
My boyfriend left me. I asked him, “Why did you leave me?” He said, “Do you really want to know?” I said: “Yes, I really do.“ He said: “You drink too much.” I wanted to kill myself every single day. I went to jail. I didn’t put it together.
When I got to rehab a tech told me, “Now all your dreams can come true.” What happened was that I moved on and I changed my life.
At 11 years, I quit my job and I had nothing (don’t quit your job when you don’t have another one!). I realized that I had always lived on Ego – what I thought I am and what I should have.
I finally did what I never wanted to do and for the 1st time I understood what the 3rd step really means. The promises came true for me. I just walk the path and I don’t judge it. All I do is pray for the knowledge of God’s will for me, and the power to carry it out. That’s it.
I got a really good life now. I’m cool with just being a blade of grass. The true wealth is my experience and my friendships.
What Do Children Need?
Quotes from parenting group
My dad taught us … and we believed it…
Children need to be heard. nurtured, valued, and feel loved.
…. love, encouragement, self-esteem, structure, support.
A child should be taught that she has a unique, beautiful nature and that the parents will help her grow.
Children should be allowed to be independent and go after their dreams.
…have permission to make mistakes.
Parents have to change when kids grow - and grow together.
…have open communication, show emotions.
Reward is better than punishment.
… nurtured in a kind and loving way.
Children need to feel accepted and secure in the relationship.
…have structure, accountability, and consistency.
Children should feel protected.
Honesty is important to build trust.
… have permission to express fear, hurt, disappointment.
Children need knowledge and education.
…learn compassion from parents, see individuality as good without prejudice.
My mom transmitted her own insecurities. She didn’t encourage us to go for our dreams. She didn’t say: “You can do this! Go for it!” She didn’t teach us to believe in ourselves.
A child needs to be safe and feel wanted.
… taught to seek to understand other people.
Somebody needs to be present and attentive.
A child needs to get fed daily and get positive attention consistently and regularly.
… needs to see parents respect one another.
A child needs a compassionate and understanding mother.
…needs to not be tortured by a mother who abuses drugs and alcohol and commits suicide.
My dad taught us … and we believed it…
Children need to be heard. nurtured, valued, and feel loved.
…. love, encouragement, self-esteem, structure, support.
A child should be taught that she has a unique, beautiful nature and that the parents will help her grow.
Children should be allowed to be independent and go after their dreams.
…have permission to make mistakes.
Parents have to change when kids grow - and grow together.
…have open communication, show emotions.
Reward is better than punishment.
… nurtured in a kind and loving way.
Children need to feel accepted and secure in the relationship.
…have structure, accountability, and consistency.
Children should feel protected.
Honesty is important to build trust.
… have permission to express fear, hurt, disappointment.
Children need knowledge and education.
…learn compassion from parents, see individuality as good without prejudice.
My mom transmitted her own insecurities. She didn’t encourage us to go for our dreams. She didn’t say: “You can do this! Go for it!” She didn’t teach us to believe in ourselves.
A child needs to be safe and feel wanted.
… taught to seek to understand other people.
Somebody needs to be present and attentive.
A child needs to get fed daily and get positive attention consistently and regularly.
… needs to see parents respect one another.
A child needs a compassionate and understanding mother.
…needs to not be tortured by a mother who abuses drugs and alcohol and commits suicide.
FATHER
Quotes from parenting group
I wish my dad were loving, open-minded, uplifting, and encouraging.
My father is very controlling and paranoid. He has instilled a tremendous amount of fear in me.
My father has always been the backbone of the family. He is quiet and stern, but he has a gentle kind soul.
My father is a rageoholic, an alcoholic, and he is anxious. I think he is done being a father. I see how much he just wishes to get rid of me.
I love my dad. When I was using I couldn’t stand him, because he knew I was lying all the time.
My father is depressed. I make it worse.
My father is fantastic. He has always been there for me and he is the role model for all the guys in my life.
My father is emotionless. He only expresses anger, which made me fear him.
My dad was the best person that I have ever known. He died when I was 13.
My dad was a blamer and I grew up a guilty child.
I love my daddy so much. I wish he was more accepting of my disease.
If my dad were alive he would be heartbroken about my addiction.
My dad has always been a selfish, successful piece of shit and a big liar.
My dad is a retired successful lawyer. I wish he would have been the way he is now with me when I was little. Then he just worked all the time and he was strict.
My father is an addict. I’m really sad that he is so sick. It breaks my heart, because I see a lot of him in myself.
My dad was loving, compassionate, intelligent, and my friend.
My dad is a beauty and a beast. He raped me from 5 years and he beat me up. He is an alcoholic. I love him. I’m glad he didn’t rape my sisters.
My dad is afraid that I will die or end up in jail if I keep using.
My dad has been dead since 2003. When he was drinking, he would give me a $ to sing with him. Saying good-bye was the most painful and bonding experience we had as a family. I miss him.
I wish my dad were loving, open-minded, uplifting, and encouraging.
My father is very controlling and paranoid. He has instilled a tremendous amount of fear in me.
My father has always been the backbone of the family. He is quiet and stern, but he has a gentle kind soul.
My father is a rageoholic, an alcoholic, and he is anxious. I think he is done being a father. I see how much he just wishes to get rid of me.
I love my dad. When I was using I couldn’t stand him, because he knew I was lying all the time.
My father is depressed. I make it worse.
My father is fantastic. He has always been there for me and he is the role model for all the guys in my life.
My father is emotionless. He only expresses anger, which made me fear him.
My dad was the best person that I have ever known. He died when I was 13.
My dad was a blamer and I grew up a guilty child.
I love my daddy so much. I wish he was more accepting of my disease.
If my dad were alive he would be heartbroken about my addiction.
My dad has always been a selfish, successful piece of shit and a big liar.
My dad is a retired successful lawyer. I wish he would have been the way he is now with me when I was little. Then he just worked all the time and he was strict.
My father is an addict. I’m really sad that he is so sick. It breaks my heart, because I see a lot of him in myself.
My dad was loving, compassionate, intelligent, and my friend.
My dad is a beauty and a beast. He raped me from 5 years and he beat me up. He is an alcoholic. I love him. I’m glad he didn’t rape my sisters.
My dad is afraid that I will die or end up in jail if I keep using.
My dad has been dead since 2003. When he was drinking, he would give me a $ to sing with him. Saying good-bye was the most painful and bonding experience we had as a family. I miss him.
Love & Death in Early Recovery
***
I can’t stand how I feel… so I met this guy and he drank like I did. We started on that dance of death like we do. – quote, AA speaker
***
The famous psychologist Sigmund Freud proposed the concept of Eros and Thanatos to account for the duality of human nature between the forces of life and death. Essentially, he offers the idea of a continuum from love to aggression, from creativity to destruction, from light to darkness. It is believed that human instincts fall somewhere on this continuum, with Eros driving us to welcome and nurture life, and Thanatos driving us toward fight or flight.
Eros is the life force within. It stands for love, beauty, fertility, and desire. The pleasure principle guides us to satisfy the powerful biological and psychological need to stay alive. Its function is to sustain life. We do this by seeking pleasure and avoiding pain, by taking care of ourselves. Also, we need and enjoy togetherness with others - to love, bond, and procreate. As we explore the world and move forward, we survive adversity. We pursue the joy of life, and we grow, mature, and heal in the process.
Thanatos on the other side, the death drive, accounts for the aggressive component of our nature. It is also important for our survival – it enables us to respond to fear, anxiety, and the sensation of tension. We do this by posturing, fighting, and defending against others, by becoming active in the presence of (real or imagined) danger. When negative thought patterns and anxieties take over, the impulse to reduce tension can turn into habitual resistance, avoidance, withdrawal, procrastination, and repetition. This happens when we become enslaved by compulsions and addictions.
An overwhelming percentage of addicts have become fear-based during a childhood of abandonment, abuse, and trauma – where the natural maturation process was disrupted, and carefree playfulness was replaced with survival skills like anger, aggression, defiance, and contempt. As a consequence priorities were confused and reversed – and so they cater to forces, which end up destroying them.
Some addicts don’t remember adverse childhood experiences, but still live with uncomfortable fears, insecurities, and a pervasive sense of hopelessness and helplessness, which leads to a generalized disinterest in “normal” human pursuits and endeavors. The ensuing desolate and inconsolable inner emptiness can also be expressed through artificially administered pain. Self-injurious actions produce tension release and communicate cognitions like, “I suffer. I bleed. Look at me! Feel with me!" And also the masochistic position, “I can take it. I’m strong. See what I can endure!” An added bonus is the triggered endorphin release, which produces a mild high as a life of emotional suffering gets self-medicated in order to make it bearable.
The addict fears life more than death. Dedicated to a peculiar distortion of the pleasure principle she tends to reduce life to physical concerns and sensual experiences. Addiction is a mental disorder where the pleasure principle has been compromised in such a way that seeking pleasure overrides the natural fear of death, and more importantly, the death drive is turned inward, where it is perverted into an auto-aggressive impulse. What this means is that eventually a lethal amount of euphoria-producing pains and poisons becomes desirable. Giving in to this impulse unduly, we withdraw from life, isolate from people, and our development ceases, while the protective fear of death gradually wanes.
When an alcoholic is exhausted and depleted from exclusive service to the death drive… she might want to give life another chance. However, when she attempts to awaken the life drive, she may find that the death drive is still operating in full force, opposing it, that she is dealing with a Thanatos-side that has become like an overgrown and overactive vicious beast within. This is when alcoholic ambivalence is activated, as in, “I need some dope while I’m kicking!” or “I’m fully prepared to pay ANY price!” meaning I must have some relief right now even if it defeats the purpose altogether. The death drive can also masquerade as cool indifference, as in “I don’t care (about the consequences).” On the verge of death an addict can fall back into vague ennui and arrogance, as in “I’m not sure I like the color of the life saver you’re throwing me or the way you’re doing it”…
Addicts in early recovery know that they have survived extremely difficult and exhausting times. Tension and anxiety levels are typically high. This is the time to stabilize and get some strength back. This is not the time to be loving and caring to others. Self-preservation comes first. Romantic and sexual involvements must necessarily be secondary, even though such endeavors may promise some tension relief, especially when one has been feeling deprived, needy, and lonely for a while. Acting out on this impulse can turn out to be self-defeating, when one hasn’t had a chance yet to build self-confidence, correct fear-based behavior patterns - and feels the need to own and control a partner who is also unstable. This can quickly get confusing, overwhelming, and explosive, and cause suffering to all involved - where one feels tempted to resign from a constructive life style altogether. As a result, the death drive might reactivate denial, illusion, and delusion – and with that, habitual tension relief with the help of mind-altering substances may appear irresistible again.
The challenge at this phase is the fact that life and death drive have become opposing forces (when normally they both serve life). The art of recovery then is about rekindling, nurturing, and encouraging the life drive back into power, while letting the death drive wither through inattention.
There is some work to be done. It takes a major psychic change to restore the lost balance between the forces of life and death. A process of re-covering an authentic sense of self must take place, where the truth is sought whole-heartedly and without reservations. Nothing else will do. Through willingness and courage to endure whatever it takes to become whole again, the recovering addict will eventually regain mental clarity and psychological stability, which is necessary for a meaningful and enjoyable life.
The spiritual path is suggested to aid reorientation. Mental constructs that further fear-based resistance, must be replaced with surrender to the Divine Forces of fate. Once this process is initiated, it requires one’s full life force to counterbalance habitual surrender to the drive for dissolution and destruction. Diversions during this critical phase may prove to be fatal. Alcoholics Anonymous offers a safety net, which serves the need to belong to a community for re-parenting and healing to occur. It’s about disengaging from defiance, befriending the world, and welcoming life. Through bringing love, understanding, and hope, transformation becomes possible, and that might end up to be a far better thing than one could ever imagine …
***
I try to remain active in this program and the dark, negative, crazy thing in my head goes away – quote, AA speaker
***
I can’t stand how I feel… so I met this guy and he drank like I did. We started on that dance of death like we do. – quote, AA speaker
***
The famous psychologist Sigmund Freud proposed the concept of Eros and Thanatos to account for the duality of human nature between the forces of life and death. Essentially, he offers the idea of a continuum from love to aggression, from creativity to destruction, from light to darkness. It is believed that human instincts fall somewhere on this continuum, with Eros driving us to welcome and nurture life, and Thanatos driving us toward fight or flight.
Eros is the life force within. It stands for love, beauty, fertility, and desire. The pleasure principle guides us to satisfy the powerful biological and psychological need to stay alive. Its function is to sustain life. We do this by seeking pleasure and avoiding pain, by taking care of ourselves. Also, we need and enjoy togetherness with others - to love, bond, and procreate. As we explore the world and move forward, we survive adversity. We pursue the joy of life, and we grow, mature, and heal in the process.
Thanatos on the other side, the death drive, accounts for the aggressive component of our nature. It is also important for our survival – it enables us to respond to fear, anxiety, and the sensation of tension. We do this by posturing, fighting, and defending against others, by becoming active in the presence of (real or imagined) danger. When negative thought patterns and anxieties take over, the impulse to reduce tension can turn into habitual resistance, avoidance, withdrawal, procrastination, and repetition. This happens when we become enslaved by compulsions and addictions.
An overwhelming percentage of addicts have become fear-based during a childhood of abandonment, abuse, and trauma – where the natural maturation process was disrupted, and carefree playfulness was replaced with survival skills like anger, aggression, defiance, and contempt. As a consequence priorities were confused and reversed – and so they cater to forces, which end up destroying them.
Some addicts don’t remember adverse childhood experiences, but still live with uncomfortable fears, insecurities, and a pervasive sense of hopelessness and helplessness, which leads to a generalized disinterest in “normal” human pursuits and endeavors. The ensuing desolate and inconsolable inner emptiness can also be expressed through artificially administered pain. Self-injurious actions produce tension release and communicate cognitions like, “I suffer. I bleed. Look at me! Feel with me!" And also the masochistic position, “I can take it. I’m strong. See what I can endure!” An added bonus is the triggered endorphin release, which produces a mild high as a life of emotional suffering gets self-medicated in order to make it bearable.
The addict fears life more than death. Dedicated to a peculiar distortion of the pleasure principle she tends to reduce life to physical concerns and sensual experiences. Addiction is a mental disorder where the pleasure principle has been compromised in such a way that seeking pleasure overrides the natural fear of death, and more importantly, the death drive is turned inward, where it is perverted into an auto-aggressive impulse. What this means is that eventually a lethal amount of euphoria-producing pains and poisons becomes desirable. Giving in to this impulse unduly, we withdraw from life, isolate from people, and our development ceases, while the protective fear of death gradually wanes.
When an alcoholic is exhausted and depleted from exclusive service to the death drive… she might want to give life another chance. However, when she attempts to awaken the life drive, she may find that the death drive is still operating in full force, opposing it, that she is dealing with a Thanatos-side that has become like an overgrown and overactive vicious beast within. This is when alcoholic ambivalence is activated, as in, “I need some dope while I’m kicking!” or “I’m fully prepared to pay ANY price!” meaning I must have some relief right now even if it defeats the purpose altogether. The death drive can also masquerade as cool indifference, as in “I don’t care (about the consequences).” On the verge of death an addict can fall back into vague ennui and arrogance, as in “I’m not sure I like the color of the life saver you’re throwing me or the way you’re doing it”…
Addicts in early recovery know that they have survived extremely difficult and exhausting times. Tension and anxiety levels are typically high. This is the time to stabilize and get some strength back. This is not the time to be loving and caring to others. Self-preservation comes first. Romantic and sexual involvements must necessarily be secondary, even though such endeavors may promise some tension relief, especially when one has been feeling deprived, needy, and lonely for a while. Acting out on this impulse can turn out to be self-defeating, when one hasn’t had a chance yet to build self-confidence, correct fear-based behavior patterns - and feels the need to own and control a partner who is also unstable. This can quickly get confusing, overwhelming, and explosive, and cause suffering to all involved - where one feels tempted to resign from a constructive life style altogether. As a result, the death drive might reactivate denial, illusion, and delusion – and with that, habitual tension relief with the help of mind-altering substances may appear irresistible again.
The challenge at this phase is the fact that life and death drive have become opposing forces (when normally they both serve life). The art of recovery then is about rekindling, nurturing, and encouraging the life drive back into power, while letting the death drive wither through inattention.
There is some work to be done. It takes a major psychic change to restore the lost balance between the forces of life and death. A process of re-covering an authentic sense of self must take place, where the truth is sought whole-heartedly and without reservations. Nothing else will do. Through willingness and courage to endure whatever it takes to become whole again, the recovering addict will eventually regain mental clarity and psychological stability, which is necessary for a meaningful and enjoyable life.
The spiritual path is suggested to aid reorientation. Mental constructs that further fear-based resistance, must be replaced with surrender to the Divine Forces of fate. Once this process is initiated, it requires one’s full life force to counterbalance habitual surrender to the drive for dissolution and destruction. Diversions during this critical phase may prove to be fatal. Alcoholics Anonymous offers a safety net, which serves the need to belong to a community for re-parenting and healing to occur. It’s about disengaging from defiance, befriending the world, and welcoming life. Through bringing love, understanding, and hope, transformation becomes possible, and that might end up to be a far better thing than one could ever imagine …
***
I try to remain active in this program and the dark, negative, crazy thing in my head goes away – quote, AA speaker
***
MOTHER
Quotes from a parenting group
I would have liked my mother to be whole and healthy.
My mother is concerned about my wellbeing.
I would like my mother to be supportive about my personal relationships. She is alone. It’s awful.
My mother is a crazy bitch. I wish she would put us before herself and her gang and her drugs.
I want my mother as a mother.
My mother is cynical. She treated me like I was not even her daughter.
I would like my mother to have more open communication.
My mother is a buffer and a go-between between my dad and me.
I would like my mother to be concerned with my personal happiness and no one else’s opinion.
My mother is scared if I screw up.
I like a protective, nurturing, and understanding mother.
My mother is strong, supportive, and soft-spoken. I think she gets scared of me.
I would like a mother who is sober, loving, and compassionate.
As a mother I want to be ever caring and curious about my children’s creative spirits, wants, needs, and dreams.
I want my mother to be more open-minded, understanding, and accepting.
My mother has always been my biggest supporter. However, I wish that she would not have been so over-protective of me when I was growing up.
I would like my mother not to be afraid and worried about what other people are thinking about our family and me.
My parents are ashamed of me. I don’t like being told how to think.
I would like my mother to encourage me to share and be supportive of my feelings and share her feelings, as well. My parents never did that.
As a mother I just want to be present.
I love my mother.
I would have liked my mother to be whole and healthy.
My mother is concerned about my wellbeing.
I would like my mother to be supportive about my personal relationships. She is alone. It’s awful.
My mother is a crazy bitch. I wish she would put us before herself and her gang and her drugs.
I want my mother as a mother.
My mother is cynical. She treated me like I was not even her daughter.
I would like my mother to have more open communication.
My mother is a buffer and a go-between between my dad and me.
I would like my mother to be concerned with my personal happiness and no one else’s opinion.
My mother is scared if I screw up.
I like a protective, nurturing, and understanding mother.
My mother is strong, supportive, and soft-spoken. I think she gets scared of me.
I would like a mother who is sober, loving, and compassionate.
As a mother I want to be ever caring and curious about my children’s creative spirits, wants, needs, and dreams.
I want my mother to be more open-minded, understanding, and accepting.
My mother has always been my biggest supporter. However, I wish that she would not have been so over-protective of me when I was growing up.
I would like my mother not to be afraid and worried about what other people are thinking about our family and me.
My parents are ashamed of me. I don’t like being told how to think.
I would like my mother to encourage me to share and be supportive of my feelings and share her feelings, as well. My parents never did that.
As a mother I just want to be present.
I love my mother.
Mother Teresa - Quote
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway." —
Mother Teresa
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway." —
Mother Teresa
Teenage Power Struggle
I see young parents full of love and joy with their baby, and then, not even many years later, I see the same parents full of fear trying to control a resistant teenager, where family life has deteriorated into a power struggle that ruins everyone’s mood, and the adolescent can't wait to get away. It doesn't make sense.
When dealing with a smart teenager, you can safely assume that she knows right from wrong. If you can remain the loving parent you were when she was a baby – where you had limitless confidence in her ability to grow strong, learn what she needs to know, and master the tasks before her – you’re on your way. She will have to prevail through this stormy time, find her orientation and her place in life. You cannot do that for her.
Developmentally, this is the time when adolescents move on from parental dominance and respond to peer pressure – in other words, your influence is waning dramatically (sorry), while she goes through this highly competitive and challenging phase. Whatever you have done with your teenage child so far is somewhat set in stone, so to speak - child rearing is over. Hopefully she is able to come to you with questions, concerns, and issues. She needs your support as she tries to find her own way and begins to live her truth. She needs a friendly and safe haven to come home to – not more stress and pressure.
If she does something that appears wrong in your eyes, she has made that choice because something is more important to her – and life itself presents her with consequences to her actions. Life can be hard in adolescence – she wants to be free, but she is still dependent. Things can get intense when one is flooded with hormones. Schoolwork and household chores are not necessarily at the top of her priority list…
It may at times feel important to impose your life style and your will on her – and so you may feel tempted to engage in fighting a losing battle…. Pressure adds more stress to her already stressful teenage life – she will feel that you lack insight and compassion. If you insist on trying to maintain control, you interfere with her ease and happiness. She will resent you for that. If she is emotionally healthy she will stand up for herself - resist and fight you. You will lose her respect and trust and force her to hide things and withdraw from you. I never recommend getting into a power struggle with a teenager. Nobody gains anything from it. You cannot win - time is on her side.
You may want to consider that punishment creates resentments... It tends to intensify your child’s defiance and increase distance. She may respond by becoming secretive and deceitful, while seeking solace with problematic peers. Personally, I don’t believe in punishment. I prefer keeping the communication lines open at all times.
Talk to her, listen, and TRY TO UNDERSTAND! You are a role model for relationships. If you succeed in establishing a relationship based on respect, kindness, and TLC, this will benefit everyone throughout life, and that’s what she’ll look for in a friend and potential life partner. If she is more familiar with power struggles and fighting, she’ll tend to reenact that. Either way she will tend to repeat the style you have shown her.
Remember the difficulties you had with your own parents’ strategies, so you don’t repeat all their mistakes. Get some reassurance and support while you deal with irritations and worries - as you have to give up control over your baby’s wellbeing and safety….
This is the time to let go. Believe in her – so your teenager won’t be too insecure to live her truth and find her place in life. She is stretching her wings, getting ready to fly. Let her follow her heart! Stand back as she learns to move at her own pace! Give her permission to make mistakes! Watch and smile as she practices for take-off. Please don’t try to cut her wings now!
When dealing with a smart teenager, you can safely assume that she knows right from wrong. If you can remain the loving parent you were when she was a baby – where you had limitless confidence in her ability to grow strong, learn what she needs to know, and master the tasks before her – you’re on your way. She will have to prevail through this stormy time, find her orientation and her place in life. You cannot do that for her.
Developmentally, this is the time when adolescents move on from parental dominance and respond to peer pressure – in other words, your influence is waning dramatically (sorry), while she goes through this highly competitive and challenging phase. Whatever you have done with your teenage child so far is somewhat set in stone, so to speak - child rearing is over. Hopefully she is able to come to you with questions, concerns, and issues. She needs your support as she tries to find her own way and begins to live her truth. She needs a friendly and safe haven to come home to – not more stress and pressure.
If she does something that appears wrong in your eyes, she has made that choice because something is more important to her – and life itself presents her with consequences to her actions. Life can be hard in adolescence – she wants to be free, but she is still dependent. Things can get intense when one is flooded with hormones. Schoolwork and household chores are not necessarily at the top of her priority list…
It may at times feel important to impose your life style and your will on her – and so you may feel tempted to engage in fighting a losing battle…. Pressure adds more stress to her already stressful teenage life – she will feel that you lack insight and compassion. If you insist on trying to maintain control, you interfere with her ease and happiness. She will resent you for that. If she is emotionally healthy she will stand up for herself - resist and fight you. You will lose her respect and trust and force her to hide things and withdraw from you. I never recommend getting into a power struggle with a teenager. Nobody gains anything from it. You cannot win - time is on her side.
You may want to consider that punishment creates resentments... It tends to intensify your child’s defiance and increase distance. She may respond by becoming secretive and deceitful, while seeking solace with problematic peers. Personally, I don’t believe in punishment. I prefer keeping the communication lines open at all times.
Talk to her, listen, and TRY TO UNDERSTAND! You are a role model for relationships. If you succeed in establishing a relationship based on respect, kindness, and TLC, this will benefit everyone throughout life, and that’s what she’ll look for in a friend and potential life partner. If she is more familiar with power struggles and fighting, she’ll tend to reenact that. Either way she will tend to repeat the style you have shown her.
Remember the difficulties you had with your own parents’ strategies, so you don’t repeat all their mistakes. Get some reassurance and support while you deal with irritations and worries - as you have to give up control over your baby’s wellbeing and safety….
This is the time to let go. Believe in her – so your teenager won’t be too insecure to live her truth and find her place in life. She is stretching her wings, getting ready to fly. Let her follow her heart! Stand back as she learns to move at her own pace! Give her permission to make mistakes! Watch and smile as she practices for take-off. Please don’t try to cut her wings now!
parade
they carry the message you're meant to hear…
a lifelong parade of torch bearers.
until you get it… more people are sent for YOU.
while your soul journeys through this incarnation…
meet them all! move forward! befriend reality!
… and life becomes meaningful and fun.
you're exactly where you are supposed to be… to get it.
be welcoming and kind to each and every one of them,
for they came all this way just for YOU...
a lifelong parade of torch bearers.
until you get it… more people are sent for YOU.
while your soul journeys through this incarnation…
meet them all! move forward! befriend reality!
… and life becomes meaningful and fun.
you're exactly where you are supposed to be… to get it.
be welcoming and kind to each and every one of them,
for they came all this way just for YOU...
love
the meaning of life
We have some experiences, sensations, feelings, and thoughts.
We do something.
We have some experiences, sensations, feelings, and thoughts
about what we have done.
We do something.
We have some experiences, sensations, feelings, and thoughts
about what we have done.
Projection
Only if you’re a psychopath are you exempt. Otherwise you’re not getting away with it. If you do bad, you know it (even if no one finds out). There goes your self-esteem and self-love… You may feel like saying, “Life sucks and people are mean” when in fact it’s you – you’re unhappy and resentful - is the bad and the good. As you look for a connection to a power outside of self and walk the right path, you find a way out. You are shown a better way and you won’t find the need to blame anyone for anything. They say, “The truth will set you free.”
Projection refers to the process of displacing an image onto an object, usually a screen, where it can be seen. Sigmund Freud introduced this term for a similar psychological mechanism – where we disown a part of self and project it onto someone else where we can “see” it. Often it is about denying unacceptable parts of ourselves and blaming the OTHER person for it. It doesn’t work - we end up resenting the other person for disliking what we have done. This process happens unbeknownst to us.
What’s the purpose of distorting reality like that? Projection is defined as ego-defense mechanism, where we lie to ourselves. We change our perceptions in order to protect our self-image and feel better about ourselves. Then we try to forget about these feelings, thoughts, motivations, or desires and convince ourselves that the “enemy” is outside, and that we can fight or flee.
For example:
Nina was an emotionally neglected child. As an adult she remains needy for attention and approval. She envies her big sister, seeing her as strong and loved. She tells people that her sister is the one who envies her (Nina) for her superior beauty.
Jack fears not being good enough at his job and criticizes his boss for being incompetent.
Joe has aggressive impulses and says, “People are mean.”
John has a history of molesting boys as a priest, and publicly attacks pedophiles.
Kay has a history of stealing, and states that her colleague is not to be trusted with money.
Jim raped a teenage girl and claims that she “asked for it”.
Sue has been unfaithful. Now she distrusts her husband’s fidelity.
Dan is scared and goes along with the guys who are bullying a classmate. He makes fun of him for being “a pussy.”
Jill is scared about her alcoholism and laughs about a celebrity who is shown drunk on TV.
These examples show that projection and resentments go together, that we find fault with others when we disown a seemingly unacceptable part of self. It can be about our own behavior, an unresolved issue, or insecurity about handling a task. As long as we deny the truth we are stuck. While projecting blame, we inhibit our own learning and healing. When experiences are not processed, growth, maturation, and transformation remain impossible. As we victimize others with a self-righteous and punitive attitude, we inadvertently pay the price… we keep on repeating mistakes, while resenting some more or less random scapegoat. It makes no sense, really.
In recovery we learn about humility and acceptance, which helps, but the ultimate liberation is captured through forgiveness. As long as you indulge in projection and blame, you don’t get it. What you are is what you see. When you catch yourself resorting to judging and blaming someone, try replacing their name with the letter “I” and see what happens…
The truth gives you the power. Recovery is about raising one’s awareness and taking responsibility for one’s own actions. Psychotherapy (especially CBT) and the practice of mindfulness can be of great help. The idea is to identify and differentiate thoughts, feelings, and actions, and gradually improve insight and clarity. Twelve-Step work can help to take a good look at one’s own actions, make amends, relieve resentments, and move on. Hope is introduced, new options become doable, and consequently the mood improves. Liberation from faulty mental constructs is an empowering and encouraging process. The alternative? Living a lie.
recovery quotes 2/21/2011
You don’t have to do anything in this program. You can just do it when you come back…
I fantasized about winning an Oscar since I was 5. I deferred my need for love. I thought, "In the future I will be loved by so many people that I don’t even have to interact with."
12 year b-day: I’m grateful for the life I have today. Glad I didn’t plan it. I would have messed it up.
I used to be all about the drug culture. It took me to this lonely and terrifying place I couldn’t stand. Now it’s totally all about AA. I have a family, wife, and kid, and it’s all because of AA.
Be there for somebody! Be there for yourself! It will all come back.
Everything keeps changing. It freaks me out and I wanna die – but I haven’t done it and it always gets better.
I decided to get a grip on my depression and began to write down my feeling state every 3 hours – giving it a number from 1 to 10: 1 for great, to 5 for neutral, to 10 for unbearable. I did this for 2 weeks. I thought it was bad a lot of the time – but when I looked it up, I saw that it had been really bad only once, and fairly good several times. My depression got better after that.
Make it to bed sober and see what happens…
You can do sex, food, gambling or other satellite addictions. Just do it quietly! Don’t tell anyone here or they’ll tell you there is a solution.
If you’re like me and feel uncomfortable in any social situation, you can try to avoid meetings with coffee breaks, or you could turn to the person next to you and ask, “How did you get sober?” They’ll talk for the entire break.
It goes back and forth in 5 Minute intervals from “I’m fabulous” to “I wanna die.”
I was on a Valium diet to avoid alcohol calories.
I drank in the evening. A sunny morning meant to me, “Fuck! 10 more hours to kill.”
I usually mocked everything, ‘cause I was deeply embarrassed about my needs.
When I got here I didn’t dare to speak, but I liked that people verbalized what was going on inside of me.
I focused on the absence of romantic love obsessively. It was my mantra. I decided to take 3 months off flirting. At first I got depressed. Then I realized a lot of beautiful things I had never even noticed.
For every death there is a rebirth.
If no one said, I love you today… I do.
I fantasized about winning an Oscar since I was 5. I deferred my need for love. I thought, "In the future I will be loved by so many people that I don’t even have to interact with."
12 year b-day: I’m grateful for the life I have today. Glad I didn’t plan it. I would have messed it up.
I used to be all about the drug culture. It took me to this lonely and terrifying place I couldn’t stand. Now it’s totally all about AA. I have a family, wife, and kid, and it’s all because of AA.
Be there for somebody! Be there for yourself! It will all come back.
Everything keeps changing. It freaks me out and I wanna die – but I haven’t done it and it always gets better.
I decided to get a grip on my depression and began to write down my feeling state every 3 hours – giving it a number from 1 to 10: 1 for great, to 5 for neutral, to 10 for unbearable. I did this for 2 weeks. I thought it was bad a lot of the time – but when I looked it up, I saw that it had been really bad only once, and fairly good several times. My depression got better after that.
Make it to bed sober and see what happens…
You can do sex, food, gambling or other satellite addictions. Just do it quietly! Don’t tell anyone here or they’ll tell you there is a solution.
If you’re like me and feel uncomfortable in any social situation, you can try to avoid meetings with coffee breaks, or you could turn to the person next to you and ask, “How did you get sober?” They’ll talk for the entire break.
It goes back and forth in 5 Minute intervals from “I’m fabulous” to “I wanna die.”
I was on a Valium diet to avoid alcohol calories.
I drank in the evening. A sunny morning meant to me, “Fuck! 10 more hours to kill.”
I usually mocked everything, ‘cause I was deeply embarrassed about my needs.
When I got here I didn’t dare to speak, but I liked that people verbalized what was going on inside of me.
I focused on the absence of romantic love obsessively. It was my mantra. I decided to take 3 months off flirting. At first I got depressed. Then I realized a lot of beautiful things I had never even noticed.
For every death there is a rebirth.
If no one said, I love you today… I do.
Your Wish Is Command
You didn’t like to suffer on this earth.
You asked for relief.
People were sent bearing potions and poisons.
You accepted enthusiastically
and signed up for better or for worse.
You paid the price.
It got better and worse.
You had found a way to change this harsh reality.
You departed, leaving behind your issues and your people.
Or so it seemed.
It turns out there was a shadow side to it.
You found that you had never even left.
The potions and poisons just served as a chemical blindfold.
You stumbled around senselessly and stupidly.
You proceeded to make a mess of things.
People who saw it disrespected you
and stole the couch from under your ass.
You couldn’t really afford the price any more.
The time came when you broke down
and took off the blindfold.
What you saw… it was not good.
So you sent an SOS rocket to the universe.
It was received and you were granted a reprieve.
Angels were sent bearing a magical formula -
a recipe for healing yourself and reconstructing your life -
promising to remove your sad commitment
to voluntary blindness,
which had left such desolation in its wake.
The enchanted world of your own future,
is open upon your request and can be entered at any time.
So is the downward spiral of bygone and familiar misery.
Your convictions and desires are serviced...
You asked for relief.
People were sent bearing potions and poisons.
You accepted enthusiastically
and signed up for better or for worse.
You paid the price.
It got better and worse.
You had found a way to change this harsh reality.
You departed, leaving behind your issues and your people.
Or so it seemed.
It turns out there was a shadow side to it.
You found that you had never even left.
The potions and poisons just served as a chemical blindfold.
You stumbled around senselessly and stupidly.
You proceeded to make a mess of things.
People who saw it disrespected you
and stole the couch from under your ass.
You couldn’t really afford the price any more.
The time came when you broke down
and took off the blindfold.
What you saw… it was not good.
So you sent an SOS rocket to the universe.
It was received and you were granted a reprieve.
Angels were sent bearing a magical formula -
a recipe for healing yourself and reconstructing your life -
promising to remove your sad commitment
to voluntary blindness,
which had left such desolation in its wake.
The enchanted world of your own future,
is open upon your request and can be entered at any time.
So is the downward spiral of bygone and familiar misery.
Your convictions and desires are serviced...
Chronic Relapse Survivor
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be who ever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” -
Quote, F. Scott Fitzgerald.
… a hopeful and encouraging quote - to remember on a daily basis so as not to be stuck in a Groundhog Day repetition of suffering…
Recovery work with addicts can be baffling. It’s about trading short-lived self-medication for the mere promise of lasting liberation. Humans are hardwired to avoid pain and seek pleasure - and addicts live in chronic distress – more or less unwilling to give up habitual pursuit of relief. Recovery means to trust explanations and experiences of others, and follow their pointers into strange territory… Some people change their minds halfway through the process of regaining a functional mind. It can be too much misery to keep up good will, hope, and patience.
An overwhelming percentage of addicts have been traumatized by abuse and neglect in childhood, bullying in school, rape and other forms of physical or emotional abuse. The lasting high-alert stress response is called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and refers to the fact that painful experiences have been encoded in the brain. This means essentially that these survivors actually relive their childhood suffering over and over – easily triggered in the mind and also in reality - by populating their world with seemingly familiar people, which remind them of their childhood and proceed to add more abuse and abandonment.
The victim role can be compelling – it can become an identity and victims hold on to it, remaining stuck in permanent defense mode with negative overgeneralizations and other cognitive distortions, where resentments are upheld and happiness is sabotaged. A bold attempt by a compassionate outsider to adjust victim perceptions by suggesting a solution – can instantly propel the well-meaning would-be helper into the line of fire, where s/he gets hit with a dose of attack and blame. It’s an art to bring hope and inspiration without being dismissed… Fluency in the language of compassion helps – in AA it’s called “the language of the heart.”
PTSD can also be seen as an attempt to deal with trauma in such a way that healing is compromised for the sake of dealing with current reality - hyper-vigilance is an attempt to prevent further victimization. This does make sense (human behavior is always meaningful) but it also serves to prevent healing, thus prolonging suffering forever.
Survivors of trauma, especially when it occurred very early on, remain in survival mode – continuous distress, experienced as fear, distrust, disgust, and resentments. Mental anguish can slowly destroy a person years after the events are over. The so-called chronic relapse mode is diagnostic. It can indicate that sobriety brings up unacceptable repressed memories, thus making sobriety utterly undesirable. But regaining the mind is not really negotiable… It’s an essential step, a promising beginning, where certain experiences may need to be worked through so that mental stability can gradually be established - with an eventual transformation to empowerment and serenity.
If re-parenting has a chance to take place within an ongoing relationship with a good sponsor and/or psychotherapist, addicts can recover trust, hope, and confidence, and with that the courage to let go of their victim identity. During the gradual process of recovery a psychic change can take place, and eventually it becomes possible to enjoy continuous, meaningful, and mutual relationships. It can happen.
It might help to reclaim on a daily basis that the childhood is over for good. Traumatic events have been survived, adversity has been overcome – it’s a triumph of resilience of the human spirit over the forces of destruction – BUT it is of the essence to choose between self and the perpetrator – and use this moment’s life energy rather for love than for fear, for healing instead of holding on to past pain. Ultimately, forgiveness is an act of self-love, which disables angry unhappiness and enables the metamorphosis to a new level of personal evolution.
If you look at abuse as an injury that occurred to the child – you could then make it a point to focus on managing and relieving distress and healing of emotional wounds, rather than searching for blame – but traumatized children have been betrayed, discouraged, disappointed, and abandoned – they identify as victims and it can appear as though they must be loyal to the mistreated child they once were, or else that child would be forgotten and lost for ever. New mental constructs are to be established and practiced, too. The recovery community offers most helpful peer support on the path to discernment and mental reorientation.
A lovely and supportive bond between fellow alcoholics can get established, helpful interactions can take place, and then… it can happen that people give up and leave… dedicated to resentments to the mother who was hurtful or other perpetrators, too. Such a capitulation is frequently disguised as the intention to attend to “important” matters, such as children, family, career, financial matters. If she falls for such apparently reasonable considerations… all is lost, and she will proceed to lose children, family, career, financial resources, and possibly her life during her upcoming relapse.
Recovery is about surrender to the unmanageability of alcoholism – which means that the alcoholic is utterly incapable of controlling, regulating, or reducing addictive substances (a very doable task for a non-alcoholic), no matter what her explanation or justification may be. Recovery is to be had only on the basis of “singleness of purpose” – as #1 priority. We are taught, “Whatever you put before your recovery, you shall surely lose.” Only complete abstinence delivers freedom, where the alcoholic can utilize mental power and emotional energy for managing internal states and stress - moving forward with healing and getting her life back. An easier, softer way does not exist to date – BUT the good news is: it works.
“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” – Pema Chodron
P.S. The concept of neuroplasticity suggests that cognitive restructuring is possible through novel experiences at ANY time throughout life - especially after an experience such as a new beginning during detox from addictive substances. This means that early recovery is a “magical” time to leave behind destructive old "automatic" patterns and replace them with something better…
edited 2/12/2015
P.S. RELAPSE RATES 60-80% (presentation by Richard Fields Ph.D. at conference 2/7/2015)
• 12 Month Relapse Rates – range 80-95%, BRANDEN, VIDRIN, LITVIN 2007;
MILLER, WESTERBERG, HARRIS TONIGAN, 1996;
• 95% relapse rates – depression, anxiety, personality disorders;
• 2/3 of relapses – negative emotional states, interpersonal conflict/social pressure, CUMMINGS ET. AL., 1980 ;
• Heroin, Smoking, and Alcohol – high rates of relapse – 2/3 within the first 90 days, CONNORS ET. AL 2013;
Baby Talk
“Kids grow within the soil of relationships” - Dan Siegel
In comparison to other animals the human infant is born prematurely. Apparently this is a consequence of the large head size of the human fetus, which would make it impossible to give birth at a later point in time. During the first year of life an infant’s brain more than doubles in size, which makes experiences during that time crucial for her mental climate throughout life. The mother’s presence alone can make all the difference. It’s best if she establishes a good bond, where her baby comes to develop trust.
Human nature developed through the ages to ensure survival in the wilderness where being left behind could mean deadly danger for a baby. Nonhuman babies must get up right after being born and run along. Unlike other highly developed mammals, humans are helplessly dependent. We cannot even walk or feed ourselves for years and require being taken with in order to survive. Human infants are “wired” to form attachments to an emotionally present caregiver for continuous attention, encouragement, and guidance. But babies are left behind for extended periods of time as a consequence of modern city life, where mothers are busy with other things.
Instinct tells an infant that attachment and bonding with her mother (or a reliably present caretaker) is of the essence and she cries desperately when this is not the case. If this happens a lot, the child acquires a mental set of fear and resistance to her existence in the world. She will tend to distrust love and intimacy, and she may resign to hide and even despise “needy” vulnerability. This then becomes fertile ground for pain-killing, anxiety-reducing, confidence-raising drugs or distracting activities throughout adult life.
The presence of a caregiver who bathes the baby in love instills a sense of joy and safety. When this is not reliably the case, either because the baby is left alone too often for too long or because the caregiver is distracted and not emotionally present, disturbances tend to develop. As a consequence of extended emotional neglect it can happen that the window closes. Eventually, she might remain with an undercurrent of discomfort, confusion, and anguish. She may feel nervous, anxious, irritable, or melancholic and express it with a variety of disturbances, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Abandonment, neglect, and abuse during the first three years engender the most severe damage and brain circuits are altered to accommodate a chronic sense of threat and danger. This is where persisting fear and mental confusion originate and addicts self-medicate this.
Since alcoholism runs in families, we know that some people are born with a genetic predisposition for addiction. But child abuse and neglect also tends to get passed down over generations and an overwhelming percentage of addicts have survived damaging parenting styles, as well as the loss of a parent. This is a plea for continuous TLC, gentle guidance, and encouragement for your children. Early childhood experiences are of utmost importance for the development of mental health or illness.
“The creation of meaning happens with each other” – Dan Siegel
Addictive Brain Circuits
What do drugs and addictive behaviors such as sex, internet porn, food, gambling, raging, shopping do for you?
Most addicts have experienced adversity in early childhood, such as emotional and/or physical abandonment, physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse at an early age where the developing brain is particularly receptive for learning and change. Apparently a chronic undercurrent of pain remains present for these survivors. The persisting longing of a love-starved child, which creates an internal climate of despair and despondency, can turn into various styles of self-medicating with drugs or behaviors like sex and love addiction.
Dr. Gabor Mate proposes that 4 brain circuits are involved in addictive processes:
1) OPIATES are analgesics (= pain killers) effective for physical and emotional pain, which involve similar brain activity. They relieve suffering through numbing the sensation of pain. Opiates are heroin, morphine, methadone, codeine, hydrocodone (i.e. Vicodin), Oxycodone, (i.e. Percocet). Opiates are chemically almost identical to the substances produced inside the brain, called endorphines.
Neurons (= brain cells) have receptors for neuro-chemicals, which stimulate them. While killing pain, opiates also create joy and elation, and affect the immune system. They have been called the love chemical - beginning with the connection of infant and mother. Attachment is essential for survival of the child and thus a most powerful feature of evolution. Adult lovers reactivate these early experiences. When attachment is sought to a love object and not reciprocated, it can reactivate early-childhood suffering and create intense crises.
2) DOPAMINE is a brain chemical, which stimulates activities necessary for survival, such as curiosity, vitality, and excitement. The dopamine system has been called the survival system. Low levels of dopamine are experienced as disinterest and lethargy. All drugs release dopamine, but especially nicotine, caffeine, methamphetamine, and cocaine. Our body functions under the economic principle and adjusts to delivery of these substances from the outside - the brain reduces the number of dopamine receptors. When drug delivery ceases, there is scarcity in the brain, which means that feelings hurt even more. Food, sex, and exercise also stimulate dopamine release and can be used addictively.
3) ADRENALINE is the stress hormone. Addicts don’t know how to soothe stress efficiently. Without good self-soothing mechanisms a low-intensity impact or irrelevant event is experienced as disquieting, disturbing, and/or threatening… and triggers a high-voltage physiological stress response – i.e. frequent flooding with adrenaline. Because of the addict’s low capacity to self-regulate, they remain in fear-based agitation and/or anger for extended periods of time, which is unpleasant and thus a major trigger to self-medicate via drugs and alcohol.
4) IMPULSE CONTROL – addicts have very little impulse control (or none...). The cerebral cortex, the location of reasoning, memory, common sense, and impulse control, is typically underactive for an addict who feels like acting on an impulse… the ability to defer gratification, a cornerstone of emotional maturity, is compromised. Addiction does have obsessive-compulsive features – lacking inhibitions, addicts don’t know how to alter obsessive thinking or say “No” when tempted by stimulations, motivations, or urges.
Considering these 4 main brain circuits involved in addiction, it can be easily understood why addicts have a hard time achieving and maintaining sobriety, and why ongoing support and spiritual guidance is of great importance.
Most addicts have experienced adversity in early childhood, such as emotional and/or physical abandonment, physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse at an early age where the developing brain is particularly receptive for learning and change. Apparently a chronic undercurrent of pain remains present for these survivors. The persisting longing of a love-starved child, which creates an internal climate of despair and despondency, can turn into various styles of self-medicating with drugs or behaviors like sex and love addiction.
Dr. Gabor Mate proposes that 4 brain circuits are involved in addictive processes:
1) OPIATES are analgesics (= pain killers) effective for physical and emotional pain, which involve similar brain activity. They relieve suffering through numbing the sensation of pain. Opiates are heroin, morphine, methadone, codeine, hydrocodone (i.e. Vicodin), Oxycodone, (i.e. Percocet). Opiates are chemically almost identical to the substances produced inside the brain, called endorphines.
Neurons (= brain cells) have receptors for neuro-chemicals, which stimulate them. While killing pain, opiates also create joy and elation, and affect the immune system. They have been called the love chemical - beginning with the connection of infant and mother. Attachment is essential for survival of the child and thus a most powerful feature of evolution. Adult lovers reactivate these early experiences. When attachment is sought to a love object and not reciprocated, it can reactivate early-childhood suffering and create intense crises.
2) DOPAMINE is a brain chemical, which stimulates activities necessary for survival, such as curiosity, vitality, and excitement. The dopamine system has been called the survival system. Low levels of dopamine are experienced as disinterest and lethargy. All drugs release dopamine, but especially nicotine, caffeine, methamphetamine, and cocaine. Our body functions under the economic principle and adjusts to delivery of these substances from the outside - the brain reduces the number of dopamine receptors. When drug delivery ceases, there is scarcity in the brain, which means that feelings hurt even more. Food, sex, and exercise also stimulate dopamine release and can be used addictively.
3) ADRENALINE is the stress hormone. Addicts don’t know how to soothe stress efficiently. Without good self-soothing mechanisms a low-intensity impact or irrelevant event is experienced as disquieting, disturbing, and/or threatening… and triggers a high-voltage physiological stress response – i.e. frequent flooding with adrenaline. Because of the addict’s low capacity to self-regulate, they remain in fear-based agitation and/or anger for extended periods of time, which is unpleasant and thus a major trigger to self-medicate via drugs and alcohol.
4) IMPULSE CONTROL – addicts have very little impulse control (or none...). The cerebral cortex, the location of reasoning, memory, common sense, and impulse control, is typically underactive for an addict who feels like acting on an impulse… the ability to defer gratification, a cornerstone of emotional maturity, is compromised. Addiction does have obsessive-compulsive features – lacking inhibitions, addicts don’t know how to alter obsessive thinking or say “No” when tempted by stimulations, motivations, or urges.
Considering these 4 main brain circuits involved in addiction, it can be easily understood why addicts have a hard time achieving and maintaining sobriety, and why ongoing support and spiritual guidance is of great importance.