In Treatment


“I told you I was trouble. You know that I’m no good” - lyrics, Amy Winehouse 

Beginning in the 1930ies Alcoholics Anonymous and (later on) other Twelve Step Programs, such as Narcotics Anonymous or Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous have been providing regular meetings where an addict could see that she is not alone with their  existential discomfort. Some addicts are able to stay sober through utilizing the spiritual principles, behavioral directives, and group support given. 

Since then we have come a long way. RTC (Residential Treatment) or PHP (Partial Hospitalization), IOP (Intensive Outpatient Treatment), group, family and individual psychotherapy (inpatient or outpatient) by professionals, specializing in addiction treatment are offered to addicts with co-occurring disorders. It is best to start out with a high level of care and gradually transition to a lower level, if at all possible; for example, detox in a hospital (typically a few days), then residential (30-90 days) or PHP (30-90 days while residing at a sober living facility), then IOP (30-180 days or more), while also participating in psychotherapy and 12-step program (long-term basis) as a tightly-knit program of recovery. If that seems like a lot... I don’t know what to tell you. It’s a lifesaver when you’re pulled down by the progressive and ultimately lethal undertow of relapse and destruction. 

Addiction is considered a primary illness. However, an estimated 85% of addicts/alcoholics have suffered some ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) or trauma in childhood (or later). They experience intense anxiety, depression, anger, mood fluctuations (as in Bipolar Disorder), or panic and flashbacks (as in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). They may lack social and life skills, which also affects self-esteem, as well as self-confidence. There is constant stress and discomfort. Consequently, addicts feel compelled to seek relief, self-medicating with substances, eating disorders, and/or sex & love addiction (or other process addictions) to “make it through the night.” Saying “No” just doesn’t appear to be an option. Without ongoing professional treatment they have little or no chance at a good life with long-term sobriety - they remain lifelong hostages of thought patterns, which trigger suffering. Such patients can have a long history of failed attempts at recovery. They often consider themselves “chronic relapsers” which is another way of saying that underlying issues have never been addressed properly. 

With chemical dependency treatment, patients have the chance to establish a solid foundation for ongoing recovery. Group therapy is typically offered for a variety of topics, such as emotion regulation, anger management, relationships, relapse prevention, and meditation. Psychosocial education helps to fill in gaps in socialization when important life skills have not been acquired. In many cases a process of “re-parenting” is the agent of change.

For a patient who is suffering from unresolved trauma, the non-committal peer support supplied in self-help programs may just not be sufficient for lasting stabilization. This is where psychotherapy can make all the difference. It takes time and attention, and in many cases a committed relationship in a safe and supportive environment to work through and (eventually) heal adverse childhood experiences (ACE). Ideally, trust is established with the help of an experienced professional. Otherwise, the addict won’t be willing to let go of their habit of instant relief for the mere promise of gradual recovery. Eventually, the truth comes into focus and old issues cease to dominate.

Early recovery can be an amazing time - full of hope, excitement and fun. Through liberation from the past they can make a new beginning and allow for happiness. 

“In psychotherapy I got used to telling the truth to someone. 

It helped to confide in a person I could trust” – quote, AA speaker

Jasmin Rogg at www.voiceofrecovery.blogspot.com



I died 100 times


“If I am the chief of sinners, I am the chief of sufferers also”

  • Quote, Robert Louis Stevenson, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde


It has been seen as a “seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (big book, Alcoholics Anonymous), and often... it still appears that way. The medical community used to shun us... and it can still be that way. The legal system used to punish us... and it’s still that way. The alcoholic/addict is most difficult to deal with – she is described as “restless, irritable, and discontented” as well as “selfish, self-centered, and inconsiderate” (big book, Alcoholics Anonymous). It can appear as though she is voluntarily choosing to abandon her children and herself, and really her whole life for a glass of wine, a pill, line of cocaine, hit of the pipe, or shot of heroin. 

This then routinely disables her internal control mechanism. Once intoxicated, her inhibitions are rendered inoperative and so... she usually finds it impossible to stop before everything turns into disaster (again). Vaguely cognizant, she doesn’t show up for her responsibilities and she is incapable for continuity, accountability, and reliability. She might undergo an instant personality change like “Dr Jekyll and Mister Hyde” in the movie.  She may display utterly unspeakable behaviors. She could become belligerent, promiscuous, or crazy. Afterwards she may experience some drug-induced amnesia (aka blackouts). Failing at controlling cravings and other impulses she becomes flooded with guilt, shame, regret, remorse, and self-loathing. Her family gives up trust and faith. Her children might lose the chance for happiness. It looks hopeless.

It seems as though she doesn’t want to learn from experience. She cannot befriend reality – she much prefers fantasy and illusion. She distorts the truth and denies the obvious. She must defend her ego, improve her mood, increase her self-confidence, and find a little joy... at ANY price at all. She is ready for the ultimate sacrifice. Under the influence of substances (or behaviors) that change her mood and perception, her existential pain eases, she can forget the gut-wrenching fear and finally take a sigh of relief. Then she re-discovers self-confidence and courage, which is sorely missed when she is left to her own devices and life becomes tolerable for a moment.

She remains immersed in the addict world, enslaved by supply necessities, without a belief in herself, the chance of freedom, or the power for transformation. She cannot reach the tipping point where the intensity of suffering overpowers the resistance to change. As long as she refuses to undergo a metamorphosis she is stuck... she can’t move on from tadpole to frog. She withers and drowns in the end.

If she gets clean against all odds, she is then faced with the wreckage of her disease. Looking at all of it stark raving sober can be devastating. She is tempted to turn around and go back into the dark tunnel of what she knows. If she can be motivated for recovery she will need ongoing treatment for her chronic illness. Without learning how to love herself in spite of everything... the prospect of a new life may not be doable, conceivable, or even desirable - but even addicts with severe issues can recover if they are offered hope - packaged in a viable solution such as the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

“I died 100 times” - lyrics, Amy Winehouse


Jasmin Rogg at www.voiceofrecovery.blogspot.com


The Function of Psychotherapy in Recovery

“Who are you?” – Lyrics, The Who

Alcoholics Anonymous addresses THE DISEASE OF ALCOHOLISM (or addiction) and outlines the most successful approach to recovery – twelve steps - an elegant little formula to take responsibility for one’s actions, stop blaming, and begin to make oneself useful, while also aligning oneself with the Divine Forces, AKA God’s will or fate. This is summarized as, “Clean house. Trust God. Help others.” The AA recovery community embraces the newcomer with the slogan “let us love you until you love yourself.” It is understood that the alcoholic is dealing with a chronic condition, requiring ongoing treatment and support – provided by lifelong AA membership. Some alcoholics achieve sobriety and begin a new life as they follow the suggested twelve-step program.  So far, so good. 

An estimated 85% of addicts suffer from CO-OCCURRING DISORDERS – having survived emotional trauma in childhood, such as neglect, abandonment, death, sexual and emotional abuse, and/or violence. They never had the chance to develop an integrated sense of self – forever looking on the outside to fix them. Also, about 85% of addicts experience personality disorders, depression, consistent anxiety, PTSD, or other overwhelming emotional states or intrusive thought processes, struggle with an anger problem or other difficulties with relationships – AND THIS IS WHY many addicts relapse in spite of their best efforts, finding it impossible to maintain sobriety with AA alone. 

EARLY RECOVERY can be stressful when the addict becomes overwhelmed with troubling thought content and high-intensity desires and aversions. Flooded by feelings he doesn’t understand, he may try to self-medicate. This can trigger a regression, a return to fragmentation, and he would lose interest in getting better - and shift to process addictions, such as sex & love addiction, eating disorders, thrill seeking, gambling, shopping, or relapse with substances (street drugs or prescription) etc. A survivor of child abuse typically lacks self-love and self-care and proceeds to re-traumatize himself during a life-style of suffering and agitation. It’s just what he knows. 

This is where INPATIENT TREATMENT comes in. Peer support, psychotherapy, counseling, guidance, psycho-education, and safety within a stabilizing structured environment for 90 days minimum is a known time frame for change of habitual behavior patterns. In residential treatment the addict is protected from himself and his own self-destructive behaviors. On a practical level it is about establishing and practicing new habits, while also developing endurance – a solid foundation for ongoing recovery.

PSYCHOTHERAPY is about developing a sense of self and discovering one’s truth in the presence of another person who kindly “holds up a mirror.” The therapist provides a “safe holding environment” for a “corrective emotional experience” to take place. The relationship itself is the main aspect for healing to occur – a kind of re-parenting, where trust, continuity, and accountability are established. The patient gets to be seen, heard, and understood, knowing that his thoughts and feelings do matter. It’s about becoming known and learning to trust within the therapeutic alliance. Dysfunctional thought patterns are gradually replaced by insight and good judgment. The patient develops impulse control, while new neuronal connections are established in the brain – it’s a process of mental transformation. Evidently, such processes take time. If the patient is ready and the therapeutic relationship sustainable, emotional injuries can be processed and the psyche can (eventually) become whole.  

A GOOD THERAPIST becomes irreplaceable, just like a friend or family member (although one eventually outgrows the therapist). Such a therapist has the function of a healer, confidant, priest, rabbi, or shaman. He carries hope that healing is possible, that the patient is not fundamentally broken, in spite of everything that happened, in spite of guilt and shame over unspeakable experiences and actions – and that the patient deserves to stand up for himself and set boundaries when necessary. While the time frame in residential treatment is necessarily limited and solution-focused, psychotherapy can make the metamorphosis possible. Otherwise, some addicts turn around, back into the swamp. It happens.

“We must work through our story, before the unresolved elements of our story kill us"
- 

quote, Jeff Brown

Jasmin Rogg at www.voiceofrecovery.blogspot.com



I’m Smoking because I’m Thirsty


PERCEPTION is about becoming aware of the world around us through the senses. We experience life as we see, hear, smell, feel, and touch, and we interpret and integrate it one way or another. It can happen that people disagree on past events as they remember their own perceptions and interpretations (and everybody thinks that they’re right, of course). In response to childhood trauma, perception can get distorted.


INTEROCEPTION is similar, but it's about the inside of the body (at least the others cannot disagree). We become aware of internal states signaling the need to breathe, drink, eat, have sex, express emotions etc. This happens normally as we try to find comfort by seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. Comfort is pro survival unless you’re an addict, in which case your brain is hijacked and tells you that being high matters more than anything. Discomfort and pain is the internal alarm system alerting you that something is to be done unless you’re an addict in which case you‘ll think that discomfort means you must do more drugs. In response to childhood trauma, interoception can become interrupted when people dissociate or "space out." 


The addict is typically not too keen on breathing deeply (without a cigarette), drinking a lot of water, eating wholesome foods, or getting enough sleep. S/he may be a survivor of childhood abuse, having learned to dissociate, unsure of what s/he is actually feeling inside or what to do about it. S/he may drink or eat or drug him/herself into a coma. S/he may cause his/her organs to shut down from dehydration. Without good self-care the addict gets used to responding to any and all discomfort by seeking to numb out and self-soothe with his/her drug of choice without actually attending to physical needs. There may be serious consequences from lack of oxygen, water, and nutrition as s/he drinks alcohol for thirst, smokes cigarettes for hunger, seeks sex for insomnia or acts out in other ways that weaken and deplete him/her as the survival mechanism is misled, and so s/he withers (while also losing a tooth or two). Eventually, s/he becomes oblivious of internal states, clueless about perception and interoception, numbed out, passed out, blacked out, unaware, unwittingly sliding into deadly dangers, wanting to “take the edge off.” 


And then there is also ALEXITHYMIA, the inability to identify or describe one's own emotions. The person may say, "I'm fine" while secretly dying inside or even considering suicide. S/he may feel depressed and act out in anger, hurting the person s/he loves most. S/he may feel insecure in social situations, unable to read faces and correctly understand the reactions of others. S/he may be unable to differentiate his/her own insecurity from actual reasons for fear, feeling uncomfortable, and confused, wanting to isolate and act out in self-sabotaging ways (with or without drugs) and not even know, why. 


If you have survived or witnessed adversity early on, possibly along with insufficient guidance or attention to your needs, you would have been distracted or overwhelmed by discomfort and you might not have developed a solid sense of self. And so you may never really be sure what's going on inside, forever unsure and unpredictable, even to yourself. 


In recovery you can find out what’s really going on with you. It could be fascinating to get to know yourself and give yourself permission to live your truth. Expressing emotions rather than suppressing or self-medicating them can be hugely relieving - it is a gradual process of becoming whole and discovering self-love. Check it out! It's worth the effort. 


Jasmin Rogg at voiceofrecvoery.blogspot.com


Sense-Focus Exercise to Reduce Anxiety

Jasmin’s Worksheet #54
Sense-Focus Exercise to Reduce Anxiety
When you are in fear, you are obsessing on scary thoughts.
It’s as though you are stuck in a dark tunnel.
Here is an exercise to redirect your attention to the world around you.
You can do it with someone or take a piece of paper to write down your answers.
It will only take a few Minutes and it helps to go outdoors for the exercise.
1) Take 3 deep breaths. Tell yourself: “I am here. I am breathing.”
2) Inhale very deeply and hold your breath for the count of 7; exhale easily and evenly; repeat 3x
3) Look around, up, notice your surrounding
4) List 5 things you can see in nature. Look up to the sky, also
5) What colors do you see?
6) Count how many different greens you can identify
7) Can you see any birds or squirrels? describe
8) Is there something else that is noteworthy, usual, unusual? A plane, blimp etc
9) List 4 things you can hear at this moment
10) List 3 things you can touch
11) List 2 things you can smell
12) Identify 1 thing you can taste
Notice that you feel much calmer and breathe more deeply.
Repeat the exercise whenever necessary.

Solange es nicht ablenkt vom Rhythmus

Es geht ueberhaupt nicht darum,
irgendwo anzukommen,
oder irgendwas zu erreichen.
Auch nicht darum, besser zu sein,
oder überhaput tatsächlich
gut zu sein dabei.
Eher schon darum,
einfach nur dabei zu sein,
zuzuschauen, mitzumachen,
und auch alleine weiterzumachen,
wenn das grad angesagt ist.
Die Zweifel zuzulassen, aber
die Unsicherheit und das Grauen nicht
überhand nehmen zu lassen.
Einfach atmen, weitermachen, durchhalten,
wie bei einer Überfahrt auf einem Floss
in gänzlich unbekannte Gewässer.
Ganz wichtig wäre es auch, immer mal wieder
das Morgenrot mit Entzücken zu erleben und
vielleicht dem Wind zuzuhören, sowie
alle Besucher mit einem Lächeln zu begrüßen,
solange es nicht allzuviel Mühe macht
und ablenkt von der Melodie und dem Rhythmus,
denn das Dasein ist doch schon alles.

Unknown Waters

It’s not at all about arriving anywhere
Or achieving anything.
Neither is it about being better
Or even being good at it.
It’s all about experiencing,
Watching, sensing, partaking,
And continuing on your own, too
If that’s what’s up.
Allowing some doubts,
But keeping dread and worry
From taking over.
Just breathing and carrying on,
Learning to navigate the raft on the
Passage into utterly unknown waters.
Most important to look up
At the enchantingly blue sky
And the gatherings of birds (with delight),
Seeing and welcoming each and every visitor
(human and otherwise),
And moving on when the time has come.
Listen to the wind, add your rhythm
‘cause being there is all there is.
“Keep going in the face of adversity” – Janwillem van de Wetering

Autistic & other Solutions

Life style choices much later look unrelated.
Leave baby parked alone in square room,
baby cry, need to be held, no safe,
make him adjust to adult schedule,
baby brain helpless like kangaroo,
spanked, scolded, tears dry again, look up to walls,
screaming, left to stew, not know how.
Shy choked with fears of forgotten sorrow,
hypervigilant to surrounding, suppress self,
desires loud, can’t hear inner voice,
thoughts vague and nebulous, confused.
accommodating the parents, and the others, always,
Hedonistic strivings upside down.
Parents unavailable, dominating, have own needs.
Mother cool and skinny, forever young, get laid.
How to find the joy of life.
no stifle smother squash suppress.
Bold autistic, resist directives, no adjust adapt,
rigid, uncompromising, just howl and kick,
see all detail to understand.
Sociopathic solutions, no feather ruffle, just slide by,
no compassion, no fear, no care. Smooth.
Change brain, lotsa drugs, forget the lonely.
Sex addiction, be held by stranger any time.
Food addiction, self-feed, self-soothe.
Anger, make-believe big strong Tarzan.
Say, I am, don’t push me! Say, no! I don’t wannu.
Spread his wings, be himself, find what it is.
Imagine alive and free, both.
Seek safety heal trauma a little bit.

Relational

• You don’t own anybody
• Everyone gets to live out his/her own fate
• You want to be loved without paying a too high price for it
• The loss of autonomy or personal development is a too high price to pay.
• What price to pay? Is it worth it?
• You’re not loved because you deserve it, but because you offer something that the other person needs, and also because you have something in common
• Love is a gift and you can lose or destroy it if you don’t know how to handle it
• If the presence of your partner isn't sweet to you anymore, it’s usually over
• If you feel unloved or jealous, you show your worst side. You may insult or threaten your partner, possibly even with a bright-red face
• Don’t take yourself so seriously
• When a couple breaks up, it’s not because another lover is better, but because one doesn’t feel understood or appreciated, two people living next to each other rather than with one another
• It’s easier to see fault in the other as you don’t really see yourself
• A self-righteous attitude and blame are useless and poisonous to the emotional climate
• Refrain from expectations and you will minimize resentments
• Clearly state what you want, and your partner gets the chance to reply, yes or no. If you don’t do that, you will build up resentments, which drown out the love, and eventually you'll want to get away
• When you're upset, think first whether it is really necessary to express your discontent. If so, use I statements to state what you want, rather than what the other person has done that seems wrong to you
• Parents will always be parents and children have a right for continuity of parenting
• Don’t assume that you’re right. You may both be right or wrong. It may not matter either way
• More humor and less ego make everything easier
• Disrespect destroys love
• Give what you want to get
• Ask yourself, am I a joy for my partner? If you ruin his/her mood too often, there is a problem
. • Offering loving kindness is the way to own your power and create joy
• When in doubt, ask, what would love do now? Do that!

BEZIEHUNGSKISTE

• Keiner gehört einem anderen.
• Jeder soll und darf sein eigenes Schicksal leben.
• Man wird nicht geliebt, weil man es verdient, sondern weil man das anzubieten hat, was der andere braucht, und auch weil man was gemeinsam hat.
• Liebe ist ein Geschenk des Himmels und man kann es verlieren oder kaputtmachen, wenn man nicht weiss, wie man damit umzugehen hat.
• Der Mensch möchte geliebt werden ohne einen zu hohen Preis dafür zu bezahlen.
• Verlust von Autonomie oder Weiterentwicklung ist zuviel verlangt.
• Welcher Preis ist zu zahlen? Ist es das wert?
• Wenn man sich in der Gegenwart des anderen nicht mehr wohl fühlt, dann ist die Liebe meistens vorbei.
• Wenn ein Paar sich trennt, dann ist das NICHT wegen einer anderen Person, sondern weil man sich schon lange nicht verstanden oder geschätzt fühlt, weil man nebeneinanderher lebt.
• Man sieht die Schuld gern beim anderen, weil man sich selber nicht sieht.
• Wenn man sich ungeliebt fühlt oder eifersüchtig ist, dann zeigt man sich von seiner schlechtesten Seite, d.h. womöglich bedroht und beleidigt man den anderen, gerne auch mit rotem Kopf.
• Selbstgerechtigkeit und Vorwürfe sind nutzlos und vergiften die Atmosphäre.
• Wenn man mehr Humor hätte und weniger Ego, wäre alles viel leichter.
• Wenn ein Mann seine Frau rechtlos behandelt, dann wird das die Liebe und den Respekt zerstören.
• Wenn du sagst was du willst oder brauchst, dann hat der andere die Chance, Ja zu sagen, oder auch, Nein.
• Wenn du das aber nicht tust, dan wirst du so viele Aggressionen aufbauen, dass die Liebe erlöscht, und dann willst du nur noch weg.
• Die Eltern werden immer die Eltern sein. Kinder haben Anspruch auf ihre Eltern.

If You Should ever Wake Up

If you should ever wake up in deep sorrow about the suffering of humans and animals at the hands of humans, I am with you.
Flooding with global issues via social media can be overwhelming. This is what I do:
1) I must remember that I am created with some power to help. It is limited though. Extensive ruminations on such things are not helpful to anyone.
2) I can do something in my immediate vicinity, show up for the people in my life and my own animals; give or send some money to help where it’s needed or possible.
3) Do a little prayer asking God to care for all sentient beings, visualize giving them all to the care of the creative source of the universe.
4) Set timer for 20 Mins (or less).
5) Find a seat at a comfortable place, best near a window where you can see the sky for a moment. 6) Close your eyes. Settle in your space. Straighten your spine. Sit still.
7) Listen to the air surrounding you. Imagine the depth of the space beyond the sounds. Imagine that God is the wind (the air).
8) Focus on your breath. Tell yourself, I’m breathing in, I’m breathing out.
9) Hold your breath to the slow count of 7, release, repeat 2 more times.
10) Focus on your inside, find the physical location of your discomfort (probably belly, chest, or neck); hold it lovingly, give it your full attention, breathe into it.
11) Visualize that you inhale golden, divine, loving, healing light energy with every breath; breathe in and out, in and out, let the golden energy fill your inside and make you glow; let the grey energy of fear and sadness flow out, fading easily.
12) Smile, open your eyes, attend to this day.

Teenagerjahre in München

Manchmal wünschte ich,
dass sie mich liebevoll verstanden hätten,
aber so war’s halt nicht.
Mit tränenerstickter Stimme habe ich damals
Immer wieder versucht, mich verständlich zu machen.
Es ist mir bis jetzt nicht gelungen,
auch dann nicht, als ich mehr darüber wusste.
Auf meiner Seite war immer nur ich.
Das war mehr eine innere Angelegenheit.
Nach aussen hin hat es gar nicht so schlecht ausgesehen.
eher normal, das Ganze.
Vielleicht war das gerade das Schlimme,
denn Nichts daran war normal, gar Nichts.
Es war ja ein bodenloses Grauen.
Ihre ironischen und abfälligen Worte klingen
mir heute genauso in den Ohren wie damals, vor 50 Jahren.
Von allen Seiten weiss immer jemand was.
Sie wollen es so gerne relativieren
durch willkürliche Vergleiche mit Anderen,
bewaffnet mit irgendwelchen Fakten und Ursachen
und sie sympathisieren genüsslich mit unseren Feinden,
einfach so, weil sie das können.
Sie ereifern sich und wollen es rechtfertigen.
Sie würfeln Namen, Zahlen, und Bilder mit hinein.
Eigentlich haben sie keine Ahnung,
wie das ist als Jude in ihrem Land geboren zu sein.
Der Mensch ist gefangen in seinem Kopf.
Man kennt ja doch nur sein eigenes Schicksal
Und selbst das ist nicht ganz so, wie in der Erinnerung.
Vieles will man gar nicht sehen oder man kann es nicht.

Wie Sand

Wie Sand ist es mir durch die Finger gelaufen,
das Leben, waehrend ich lachend und
weinend entlanggetänzelt bin,
zögernd und beschleunigend
auf der Suche nach dem versteckten Weg.
Der Dichter erwähnt Deutsche Orte
Und mir schiessen die Tränen in die Augen,
Weil ich mich erinnere an heisse Sommertage am See.
Zwischendurch will ich mich festhalten
an irgendwas, einem Menschen.
Es kann auch ein Buch sein oder sogar
nur ein einziges Wort, manchmal,
Damit ich nicht wegrutsche in den Abgrund
Meines Kindheitstraumes,
Der schon so lange verblasst war
Und dann wieder voll da ist mit seiner Beklemmung,
Wo die Menschen unerwartet zu Schreckensgespenstern,
Werden, manchmal, wenn sie unberechenbar sind,
und hasserfüllt sich Sachen ausdenken,
Von denen man gar Nichts weiss und schon
Will man sich dringend verteidigen,
Aber sie wollen nichts davon wissen
Und sie spucken mir die Vorwürfe einfach so hin,
die sich durch jedes weitere Wort
nur noch mehr aufblähen bis sie platzen
Und das Unschöne hinterrücks den Raum erfüllt
wie Geruchsgeister. Man entfernt sich, aber
man kann das Geschehene nicht ausradieren.

our spaceship

human history
is the history of
love & aggression,
cooperation & migration,
creation & procreation.
nothing new there.
people believe
they know some shit
when they don't.
nothing new.
the only essential issue
of our time
is the irreversible destruction
of our magical blue planet,
but it exceeds our imagination
and so we regress
to seek survival
within our own little tribe
while destroying the spaceship
that carries all of life,
but i'm over it, really.
i have arrived at acceptance.
it is what it is.
fuck it.

Captives of Childhood

The realm of human experience can be divided between the internal world and the interpersonal. The internal world develops early on when we begin to experience ourselves as we learn and do things; for example, a 3-yr old builds a little lego tower and expands her sense of self, “I can do that.” The interpersonal realm involves the others and our reactions to them, often w/out really understanding what happened, essentially beyond control.
Within a good childhood environment we develop our abilities w/in both these realms, progressing toward balance and a sense of mastery and comfort. If the child lacks safety and guidance, her attention will be mostly on the outside, craving to be held and loved. While expecting threats or dangers and bracing herself against life, she may become hypervigilant and defensive, possibly hyperactive and inattentive, or she may withdraw and isolate. When these strategies are practiced for a while they become habitual.
Most addicts have survived extensive ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences). We began to experience ourselves as victims, passive recipients on the receiving end, uncertain and powerless, resentful and defensive. Forever looking outside of self, we remained anxious and the lens of perception got stuck on the outside, where we saw the others, but couldn’t really see ourselves. We grew up without developing self-awareness or a solid sense of self, feeling empty inside, in need of pleasures and distractions form the outside. We were lagging abilities and interests, in need of soothing and exciting delights as the inner voice poked fears and resentments. Unaware of our own part in creating problems, we expected certain behaviors from the others and we got deeply dejected and indignant when they fell short, when they didn’t provide reliability, safety, and whatever else we desire. We placed the blame on them, always on the others. While we were busy holding on to victimhood we remained captives of childhood. It’s not a recipe for happiness and so we tried to numb out and forget reality with the help of drugs, sex, and other behaviors, too. It took all we got, and eventually we were left empty-handed and defeated.
In recovery we undergo a metamorphosis*. In AA we are taught steps to look at ourselves – and we begin to see who we are. We develop the narrative of our lives, we change our own behavior patterns, and cease to experience ourselves as powerless victims. Identification with the wounded child we once were, fades and the mood improves. It changes everything. The more we look at our part, the less we have the need to stay resentful. This is the psychic change that relieves suffering and makes it possible to stay sober. Otherwise people continue to create their own chaos by translating negative thoughts into sadness, fear, and anger, while blaming others forever and a day.
Recovery is about taking my spirit back from finding fault and claiming my own freedom for today. The alchemy of gratitude turns shit to gold. By altering my thought pattern, I transform and adjust skewed perceptions, and consequently my emotional climate – my inner world turns from despondency to hope, from fear to faith, from wrath to hope. It’s a metamorphosis, like the tadpole turns into a frog. Magic. Finding recovery from suffering is a grace. Most alcoholics never find the way out.
“Resentment means that I sacrifice today’s freedom to someone for something that happened in the past” – quote, unknown
* metamorphosis – profound transformation into a new type of animal, e.g. tadpole to frog

The Broken Child

People remain captives of childhood
when injuries had to be endured, which were intolerable.
Based on defenseless times, at the mercy of others,
development is compromised, the inner world
is shattered, and reality gets distorted.
Joe must inflict on others what happened to him,
playing out again and again the film of being hurt,
showing to all, “Look! This is what they did to me.”
Blind and indifferent to the injuries of the others
he must be paid attention to and indulge
in the excitement of tasting the forbidden fruit.
It’s a sweet dream where he is the player,
the one who holds the power.
Josie never got permission to say, “No” to anyone.
She goes along with it, whatever it is.
Attention by any man is exciting,
she shows up for enchantment
only to find herself in the same movie
again and again.
Jane has remained a blamer,
attracting men who keep the past alive,
wrongdoers to accuse with unrelenting vengeance,
oblivious of the futility of punishment.
Unaware of herself, she rejects forgiveness
within the big picture that is human nature throughout the ages.
All of them disown the power,
seeking relief and distraction on the outside
while foregoing their own existence as is,
doomed to keep the past alive with an ongoing
slam dance on the precipice.
The broken child inside wants to be reeled in and held.
The path to freedom leads through metamorphosis.
Some of us find the gates of forgiveness for us all
and get the chance to become whole.
* metamorphosis – profound transformation into a new type of animal, e.g. tadpole to frog

Tartuffo with Vatile *

The woman on TV says to tell each other
How we feel. I just never knew about that.
I guess I wasn’t really asked such things.
The next best thing was watching silently,
Pointing out the behaviors of the others.
How to talk to my mom and dad?
“This is what happened and how it affected me.”
I wish I could tell them. I’d like that.
These days I feel only pure love for them,
Just sweet and sentimental love.
My mom was lovely, but she wasn’t really there much.
I’d be told how to love her and resisted it.
Not sure. We were close and different, too.
She’d annoy me by saying, “I know you better than
you know yourself.” Did she really?
She saw me as awkward, not a womanly beauty like herself.
People would tell me how pretty she was.
I just never knew, why? Why did they tell me?
Why was I so resentful, really?
She bought me pretty clothes at “Muttilein” downtown.
Smuggling nylon stockings she took me along to Yugoslavia.
I was 4 perhaps when she told me to sit
Quietly and wait for her outside, in the car,
Fearing she would never come back,
That I was forgotten in front of that foreign little store,
Until I realized that she’d come back for the car…
She needed the car.
Mom came and went, came and went.
I am forgetting how sweet she sang to me.***
She came to see me in Austria where I was left
with relatives to spend the summer before first grade,
missing my mom terribly until I was sent back home on the train,
told to hold on to my seat for the whole day,
Crossing the border to Germany with my passport, alone,
I did, I was the good girl at 6 years old.
They came to pick me up at Münchener Hauptbahnhof**
Holding my little sister Nina between them.
She had learned to walk. It felt as though
they hadn’t noticed that I was gone.
It was good at home with Oma*, peaceful.
She would cook and bake, sing and tell stories to laugh and cry.
She spoke of losing her mother at 10, leaving behind home and
language as a refugee after 2 world wars, crossing
the Carpathian mountains on a horse carriage in the knee-deep snow
with her teenage daughter and no man for protection.
She would threaten suicide on occasion.
Memories with Vatile - we went to eat Italian
Chocolate ice cream with nut-flakes outside and liquor inside.
We sat together at a shaky little table, just him and I.
Proud and happy moment from a childhood.
Thank you, Vatile, I can almost remember your voice.
You smiled. The ice cream at the Eisdiele "Lido" at the Maxburg,
It was called Tartuffo.
* Vatile - German for daddy; Oma - German for grandma
** Munich main railway station
*** My mom, she sang to me:
Es war einmal ein kleines Buebchen, das bettelte so wundersueß: "Mamatschi, schenk mir doch ein Pferdchen ! - Ein Pferdchen waer' mein Paradies." Darauf bekam der kleine Mann ein Schimmel-Paar aus Marzipan. Die sieht er an. Er weint und spricht: "Solche Pferde wollt' ich nicht."
"Mamatschi, schenk' mir ein Pferdchen ! Ein Pferdchen waer' mein Paradies. Mamatschi, solche Pferde wollt' ich nicht."
Die Zeit verging. Der Knabe wuenschte vom Weihnachtsmann nichts als ein Pferd. Da kam das Christkindlein geflogen und schenkte ihm was er begehrt. Auf einem Tische stehen stolz vier Pferde aus lackiertem Holz. Die sieht er an. Er weint und spricht: "Solche Pferde wollt' ich nicht."
"Mamatschi, schenk' mir ein Pferdchen ! Ein Pferdchen waer' mein Paradies. Mamatschi, solche Pferde wollt' ich nicht."
Und es vergingen viele Jahre und aus dem Knaben ward ein Mann. Dann eines Tages vor dem Tore, da hielt ein herrliches Gespann. Vor einer Prunk-Kalesche standen vier Pferde - reich geschmueckt und schoen. Die holtem ihm sein liebes Muetterlein. Da fiel ihm seine Jugend ein.
"Mamatschi, schenk' mir ein Pferdchen ! Ein Pferdchen waer' mein Paradies. Mamatschi, Trauerpferde wollt' ich nicht."

Spiritual Election

Spiritual Election
The spiritual laws teach us that
life is divine energy
flooding through our bodies.
Law of Attraction teaches us that
we attract what we are,
what matches our vibrational state.
The thoughts we are offering create reality and
the focus about what we (don't) want
empowers and attracts it.
Psychology teaches us that
our subconscious mind doesn't know a negative
as though we try not to think of a pink elephant.
Traveling teaches us that
any journey has a direction.
Sometimes we’re lost and don’t even know it.
Voting for a leader,
we are meant to consider the highest good for
all. If we all think and talk about a
dangerous and incompetent candidate,
we are empowering that candidate.
On the wave of our common consciousness
he may surge to power and there is no turning back, ever.
On this day I could use my attention
for gratitude, which is a lovely vibrational state,
regardless whether it attracts what I want,
although apparently it does.
I choose to be grateful for the lovely blue sky,
the love for my furry critters, and
compassion for humans (including myself, too).
I focus on peaceful and humble acceptance
of the outcomes of millions of years of evolution,
which have taken us to a state
where human greed, sex, and aggression
destroy the magnificent creatures on
this magical blue planet while
ignorance, fear, and wrath make us forget
to tread lightly during this fleeting little dream
that we call life.

The Color of Love Meditation

It can happen that you awake with worries and anxieties, possibly in the wake of a dream or alcoholic agitation. Either way, prayer and mediation is of great help, providing the relief you need. Do it upon awakening and repeat throughout the day whenever agitation returns. We know now that a daily practice of prayer and meditation actually changes the brain.
The Practice:
Sit comfortably in upright position. Notice the expression on your face and smile slightly like the Mona Lisa does. It sends a feedback to the brain and influences your mood. Begin by giving thanks for waking up and unknown blessings on the day ahead. List all the good you can think of in a gratitude prayer, such as: Thank you, God, that I woke up, thank you that I am clean and sober, that my body is healing, that I am recovering my mind and my soul and becoming whole again, that I can see and hear, breathe and swallow, walk and talk, that I have food and water and a bed to sleep in. Thank you for the chance for a new beginning. Thank you for my life and the love in my life. Thank you for the people in my life (list them by name). Let me bring love and joy to others and let me forgive us all for everything.
Give your worries to HP (Higher Power), ask for guidance: Please show me the right way. Whatever, God, Your will be done (trying to enforce outcomes is futile, anyway). Focus on your breath, inhale, hold your breath to the count of 7, release, repeat 2 more times, or 6 times if you feel anxious, nervous, fearful, or agitated. Imagine inhaling hope and peace, with Divine love flooding through you, always, as you connect to the life force of the universe with every breath you take. Imagine the color of love filling your inside with a pale lavenderish pink energy cloud. Smile a little as you exhale. Repeat for 2 or 20 Minutes. Don’t worry about the time frame, just do it. As you like the effect of resetting your mind to a sense of ease and serenity, you might want to get used to it and practice on a daily basis.
Make sure to look out and up and give thanks for the spectacular blue sky. Good.
Namaste means that my soul recognizes your soul - the Divinity in me greets the Divinity in you. Think of Namaste when you meet us all today. Our feelings affect each other. We are One.