A Tendency for Dissociation

check out in RecoveryView.com: Sexual Child Abuse, PTSD & Addiction
“I am doomed. I felt shame. I felt that I am worthless and no one could ever love me – not even God. The only one that could love me is Lucifer” - quote “I feel disgustingly helpless and dirty – it dominates everything” - quote
“The courageous, carefree, happy, funny part of me was lost that day. I am defiant” - quote
“I hate myself - can’t forgive myself for having been so stupid”- quote
“Please save me, but leave me alone” - quote
“I was incested and thrown in a closet from the age of 3. I was unforgivable and didn’t forgive anyone. I went to psychotherapy for years. In AA they told me, ’Let us love you until you can love yourself.’ Eventually the ache in my heart went away.” – quote
“I didn’t deserve what happened to me when I was 5, but I took that and punished other people for it – and that’s my part in it” - quote
"You have to master dissociation" - quote
It’s almost impossible to talk about it. Nobody wants to hear of it. Collectively, we uphold the taboo. We act as if such things never happen. As far as the victims are concerned, everybody is in cahoots, but they themselves prefer to deny it, too. It is simply too disturbing and depressing.
It’s not necessarily easy to be human. We do some learning and experiencing. We mature, develop convictions and beliefs, and end up taking them for the truth. On the basis of a healthy genetic make-up and a gentle and nurturing childhood, a functional whole develops, where thoughts, moods, feelings, attitudes, characteristics, and behaviors are integrated. Human behavior happens on the foundation created in childhood - by experiencing and watching adults, and then behaving just like these role models. An estimated 85% of addicts are survivors of abuse in childhood. The same percentage (about 85%) of prison inmates were abused as children. 1 in 4 (or 3) girls is sexually abused before the age of 18. 1 in 6 (or 5) boys is sexually abused before the age of 18. For the survivor of sexual child abuse life becomes most painful and confusing. S/he grew up with betrayal and suffering – severely traumatized and without good-enough role models for handling life.
S/he experiences PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) in the form of flashbacks, anxiety, panic attacks, rage, insomnia, depression, and/or psychosomatic complaints. On a behavioral level there is lack of openness, a tendency toward chronic emotional pain and repetitive self/destructive behaviors, including all addictions and eating disorders. There can be excessively cautious and inhibited behaviors, or the opposite - re-enactment of victimization and deliberate exposure to danger. Persisting agitation and hyper-vigilance, along with unresolved grief, seemingly require ongoing dissociation from high-intensity emotions and unacceptable experiences. Such factors predispose a person for a life where relief and pleasure must be sought and pain must be numbed at any prize – or memories and impulses would remain intolerable.
A variety of confusing and self-defeating thought patterns will be persistently present. The survivor may be hopeless, fearful, resentful, jaded, and cynical, often with sadistic and vengeful fantasies, as well as an array of self-destructive habits, which tend to complicate matters and cause more problems. S/he may also sexualize feelings (such as interest, curiosity, admiration, respect, affection, or attraction) thereby causing trust issues in all relationships.
Once integration has been compromised in such a way, it means that psychic wholeness and comfortable inter-relatedness of thoughts, feelings, experiences and memories is disrupted. Staying present becomes utterly undesirable and difficult, or seemingly impossible. It’s as though the inner melody of the soul has been rendered dissonant and the alcoholic is running from herself, in search of a better music outside of self. Missing comfort, flooded with adrenaline, tempted by impulsivity, filled with negative and conflicting thought contents, it does not appear doable to “just say no” to food, sex, alcohol, drugs, or other thrills and forbidden pleasures. Hedonism is not negotiable when your mind is screeching and tension relief is sorely missing.
She may also compartmentalize reality, keeping events and groups of people separate. She may present a different side of herself to people, lie (directly or by omission), manipulate and deceive others in an effort to direct their reaction and control the outcome. Lacking continuous attention to reality, her life doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t make sense. She gets lost in the process of covering up and her sense of identity remains vague. She has to keep her distance to hide that she feels broken. She doesn’t understand others and it’s next to impossible to speak for herself. Torn by ambivalence, she can never be content about a choice. She may present herself with fierce arrogance and hostility to mute the voice that yells demeaning things inside her head. She wants to be loved and understood – aching for someone to see and hear how she really is, but she must conceal such a vulnerability… a tough exterior protects from further exploitation. Fear of intimacy can also be handled by hypersexual activities. Sexual behaviors can be compulsive, perverse, promiscuous, and inhibited. Despair about life and death are camouflaged by life-threatening bravado. Tortured by shame and guilt, seemingly indifferent and defiant, she can’t show up for herself or for others, and abandons everything that’s good in her life.
Thich Nhat Hanh speaks of the creation of mental constructs, which crystallize in internal formations. This happens in response to trauma and also through instant chemical relief - often the ONLY relief known to the victim.
In psychoanalysis, cathexis is defined as the process of bonding mental or emotional energy to a person, object, or idea. Victims of sexual abuse tend to take on the responsibility for the traumatic events that may have happened in response to seeking love and comfort. It is confusing that things turned from good to terrible and they were never ready for defense. They remain stuck in toxic shame - disconnected from their own soul and incapable of accessing self-love. Instead they may remain forever energetically connected to the experience and the perpetrator. Traumatic bonding is a powerful form of cathexis, where the victim becomes energetically connected to the perpetrator, resulting in persisting fear, anger, rage, resentment, and hopelessness. This can even produce the odd result of the so-called “Stockholm Syndrome” where the victim identifies with the aggressor in a loving or compassionate way, while remaining “blind” to compassion for herself.
Such a process serves to keep the energy firmly connected to pain and suffering, and also to the past. Consequently, the victim remains stuck indefinitely - vague and indifferent to her own identity, lacking genuine interest for herself, her own fate, or the lives of others. Usually there is an ongoing undercurrent of sorrow or anger, and a desperate and inconsolable loneliness.
Recovery must offer hope - via a solution for the psyche to become whole (again), a complete transformation where trauma and shame can be healed - and consequently attachment ceases to be felt like holding on to barbed wire for fear of going under. The process must include release of the ties of cathexis – as though she severs a rubber band that had tied him to the perpetrator through the energy of fear and anger. The solution is of a spiritual nature. Forgiveness is to be found through a liberating act of ”calling her spirit back” from attachment to the perpetrator, where she ultimately lets go of the anger-bond in favor of self-love. It is about (re)establishing a friendly inner world on a daily basis. The process of psychotherapy and the practice of mindfulness reveal the path, one step at a time. Without such mental hygiene her emotional landscape reverses to a treacherous swamp.
Forgiveness is an overriding principle for recovery from emotional trauma - but when the victim had to endure unforgiveable acts, she might reject that concept altogether. In such cases discernment is important – to differentiate the personal versus the legal aspect - legal action can still be taken, while forgiveness is enabled on an intra-psychic level for healing to occur. It doesn’t mean to minimize or justify what has happened - rather it is about taking one’s spirit back from an ongoing internal dialogue of accusation and sadistic fantasies of punishment and vengeance. Only then can the victim’s life energy be fully employed for achieving wholeness from internal fragmentation. Healing is about becoming whole again from disowning parts of self during dissociation and fragmentation. Such ego defense mechanisms were aids to survival in childhood, but remain shackles for the adult survivor.
Mircea Eliade calls it “rape of the soul”, suggesting “soul retrieval” like in Shamanistic rituals. He states, “Each of us must take the responsibility for healing our own traumatic injuries.” Retrieving souls is about restoring wholeness. Shamanistic rituals employ the community to support the healing process.
In her wonderful book “Why People Don’t Heal” Carolyn Myss speaks of “woundology” when people integrate victimization into their self-image, where it becomes part of their identity, thereby interfering with the healing process. She relates the story of David Paladin, a Navajo Marine, used by the US Army as “Wind-talker” for his native language as an unbreakable radio cypher during WWII. Captured by the Germans at the age of 18 he was taken to the concentration camp of Dachau. He was tortured as POW where his feet were nailed to the floor for three days. The wounds developed into gangrene.
After his liberation he was emaciated near death and spent 2 years in a coma. When he returned home to his tribe at the age of 21, his legs in braces, they exclaimed, “What happened to you?” He proceeded to answer, “The Germans…” They stopped him, “No, what happened to you?” Again, he wanted to explain, “The Germans…” and again they replied, “No, what happened to YOU?” and he tried to recount his experience, whereupon they told him this: “Your spirit is not with you. A man cannot live without his spirit. You must get your spirit back.” They threw him in the river and instructed him to swim and get his spirit back. He was able to complete the required act of liberation and went on to live a long life as a spiritual healer.
Through forgiveness work in psychotherapy and spiritual practice a metamorphosis can occur, where liberation from the prison of past experiences becomes possible – the victim’s life energies become transformed and cease to poison the soul. The energetic tie to the perpetrator can get severed. Consequently, emotional energy is released and becomes usable for the good. The practice of mindfulness in meditation helps to undo these knots – survivors can experience transformation and healing, while also downward-regulating emotional intensity. It’s all about liberating the spirit from the compulsion to replay the past and re-traumatize oneself in the present.
Of course a survivor of childhood trauma would much prefer to ease herself into recovery – she can’t bear the prospect of adding more displeasure to her misery. This is why she must immediately be offered hope that happiness is within reach, in spite of everything. She must be shown that she is, in fact, loveable and deserves to be saved. She must be guided on the path of letting go – and see that life can be good. She must be given clarification that it’s been an error all along - that she was an absolutely innocent child who needed love and guidance, that she never deserved to be treated this way, that she doesn’t really want oblivion and intoxication, but rather healing and ultimately relief from suffering. Only then will she embrace recovery.
“The road to freedom is through the doorway of forgiveness. We may not know how to forgive, and we may not want to forgive; but if we are willing to forgive, we may begin the healing process. It is imperative for our own healing that we release the past and forgive everyone” – quote, Louise Hay, author, Hay House Publishing
“In the doctor’s judgment he was utterly hopeless”…-”…alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes, which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begins to dominate them” – quote, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Pp26

Somnolence

She's a sleeper and waking up is rough.
So she envies a sleeper in a movie,
Longing to do the same,
Sleeping in all places,
Helping it along with heroin (and other things, too).
Come to find out that sweet remedies
made her (almost) lose her life
And her mind, too (a little bit).
On the other hand,
being stark awake can feel alarming.
Activities can be exhausting,
Challenges can be discouraging,
People can be disquieting, and
It can happen that…
She's not amused with the whole thing.
Meanwhile, she is still somnolent at heart -
But then she came to think…
it might be good to get a life
Before the window closes.
These days she tries to be
the woman that her son thinks she is,
Reeling in some thoughts with her pen,
And showing up for you on any day.
Walking on the beach she sees a flock of seagulls,
Silently aligned side by side toward the sunset.
She imagines that God is the wind,
she closes her eyes,
And she hears it…
and then she can feel it, too…
She smiles.***
P.S.
“Somnolence (or drowsiness) is a state of near-sleep,
a strong desire for sleep, or sleeping for unusually long periods.
Somnolence is derived from the Latin somnus, meaning sleep."
– quote, Wikipedia

the ism or geriatric children

“You got no chance, but use it” - movie title by Werner Herzog
Alcoholism is not about the type of substance used, be it powder, pill, or liquid. It doesn’t matter how it’s done.
The ism is about being a stranger to planet earth, ill equipped to care for the body given, ignorant to what anything means, and disconnected from everyone. In spite of intelligence, As well as talents, potential, assets and gifts, eventually freedom of choice is lost. Distorted perceptions keep him stuck and he turns into an old child.
While experiences are not processed consciously and integrated properly, there is no progress to be had - no maturation and no empowerment. At the mercy of legal restrictions, translucent to authorities and institutions he regresses to parental control or the exploitation of a string of strangers.
Addiction is a complex syndrome – to be understood beyond the lack of age-appropriate behaviors - on a plane above the physical. He suffers from a chronic condition, which requires ongoing treatment. He resists it, though, sick and tired of such suffering, routinely indignant and outraged and so… he needs some good dope to get him through the night and forget about the shame and guilt, and the price he is paying. Stuck in eternal “Groundhog Day” denial is indispensable and self-medication is a must.
A healthy young man, he has reduced his mental world to the choice between prison and rehab, preferring rehab for its amenities (and pool). He has internalized the bars in his head, locking out the rest of the world. He is like an elephant born in captivity who had been chained to a pole and has given up trying to get rid of the shackle. It’s called learned helplessness – And it’s also a feature of the ism.
He started out irritable, restless, and discontent… but take away his dope … and he crumbles – being left feeling vulnerable, insecure, needy, and lost – and this is why he keeps relapsing “for no apparent reason” – left to his own devices he finds life intolerable, he doesn’t really want to have to be there sober. He cannot stand it without some chemical buffer … and consequently his obstacles seemingly grow into insurmountable mountains If he could… understand the nature of the beast so as not to under-estimate it – he might come better equipped. Last time he was getting ready to fend off the grizzly bear By waving a plastic dinner fork... He lost.
He lives in the realm of the hungry ghosts – perennial insatiable hunger for something outside of self. Feeling disconnected, he remains locked within his inner hell. He denies the existence of a Higher Power as though the world beyond his head had ceased to exist. And so he goes back to what he knows… Compulsively pursuing chemicals and behaviors – moving from alcohol to drugs or pills or sex or food or a combination – to fill the inner emptiness with that which MUST cause pain. Whatever he tries… it’s never enough. With all his energy tied to a losing battle… the pursuit of hedonism is futile, sought-after contentment remains elusive, and the door to healing remains locked.
A shipwreck survivor, she is offered a lifesaver. She looks at it briefly, holds on momentarily, then says, I don’t really like the color of it, I don’t like how you’re throwing it at me, and I’m not so sure that you really “get me”. She lets go and is caught by sober-living staff making out in the bushes behind the AA meeting with a random acquaintance. She is a 34-old mother of two, having lost custody due to the ism. Her mother never protected her from sexual molestation by the father – The mother visits her at rehab, blames her for being stupid and dysfunctional, And takes her children with their dad and his new woman to Disneyland… while her heart breaks. Her wild emotions, disordered thinking, twisted perceptions, discontinuous behaviors, missing purpose and direction, her shameless oddities and fierce suffering create chaos and drama. Between sleepless nights and temper tantrums There is no time to seize the day for any good endeavors. The chance for a stable and happy life gets misplaced and she goes down.
The ism of alcoholism is about the need for distraction from the status quo… departure from reality, oblivion at any price. For the bystander her behavior makes no sense - It is counter-intuitive and incomprehensible. For her it’s not negotiable – she lives in a whirlwind – continually flooded with sizzling feelings and urges. She expresses her intensity - She turns you on and breaks your heart. Then she distorts and misunderstands, defends and protects - She will tell you all about being victimized (it’s true) She hurts and disrespects you and then she drops you. Just like that.
Newly clean, he falls for a newly sober woman, Relapses and continues to drink, saying, “I’m clean now. I’m not doing crack anymore.” His woman tries to get her life together. He interferes, coming home from the bar on Sunday morning, needy, anxious, irritable, aching for some loving. Without instant soothing from her, suffering from her indifference, he settles for negative attention by irritating her with unreasonable statements and demands. The sober woman… why is she in it? It’s the ism.
The addict is meant to stop running from life – befriend reality and find some willingness to endure the truth – this can be accomplished through rising above, so to speak – to a higher plane – a psychic change via a spiritual awakening, where he is to understand that it’s all about connecting with life and love, that he is to make himself useful – bring forth love and joy. That’s his ticket to freedom – only then will he come to see his life as worthwhile.

The Best I Can

“I do the best I can in the life I’m in” – quote, Burton Parka
A shy and anxious girl at first, it seemed as though she could have done a pretty-world life. And then she had to go. The path lead through rules and languages that weren’t hers. Traverse some echoes and wastelands where things were rough. In bondage forever and a day. The wild mountain people rejected her. She was speechless then. Defenseless. Disoriented and Incredulous. Dark waves carried her and tucked her under. Silently she sunk into some swamps. When that time was up the toys and letters appeared to supply the missing link. The dance ended and she began to listen to the wind. The gift was deciphered and that’s when she found her voice. She said: NO! Only years later did it come to her and she started to say it then: YES! and YEESSS!!!!!!!

WHO'S BAD?

“You know I’m bad. I’m bad...Who’s bad?” – lyrics, Michael Jackson
One way or the other… children learn about good or bad. After meeting with his grandma, Malachi says: “I’m a bad boy.” He had learned it most probably in response to something he had done and her comment had generalized to his whole being, causing him to be unhappy with himself, which he may want to disown by passing it on to someone else, who he will see as bad, also, as in “I may be bad, but I’m not the only one”. A “bad boy” self-image can turn to identification with the position of underdog and outsider.
Human nature is the end result of evolution and history. It is best understood in the social context. Behavior always has a purpose (even when it seemingly makes no sense at all). Human consciousness is largely the product of socialization and the maintained maxim “WE are better than…” Socially sanctioned punishment has traditionally been justified by family, school, church, and government for transgressions against the established norms of the majority, and children are taught to take such rules for the truth. They learn language and rules of conduct along with all other aspects of their humanity. A child growing up in Nazi Germany would have internalized the German language along with a certain attitude about Jews and Gypsies, which had to compromise his sense of compassion for these minorities. A child in certain countries would learn that an adulterous woman deserves to be stoned, that it’s OK for an adult man to marry a female child, or that war is normal. We learn what we are taught – initially without discernment. Experiences become encoded in the conscious and unconscious mind, which tends to be permanent, unless examined and changed at a later point in life.
The concept of guilt is basic to human consciousness and has been addressed extensively by religious and other theories, which assume a position of right versus wrong or good versus bad, postulate it as truth, and then further assume a right for punishment or revenge, which is often much more severe or cruel than the original action or transgression. Society rewards compliance and punishes transgressions from the norm. The truth can get distorted – and the victims can get blamed. Socially undesirable behavior tends to go hand in hand with poverty, alcoholism, and mental illness. This is the population most punished by society and the prisons are populated with outsiders and underdogs because they cannot defend themselves. Consider if you will that they are survivors. The norms of the majority have often proven questionable and problematic to outsiders and minorities – society often sanctions exploitation and punishes victims. Such concepts can change over time. The Bible maxim “…not more than an eye for an eye…” was meant to limit the execution of socially sanctioned cruel punishment – an important progress at the time.
The churches enforced rules via threat of everlasting punishment in hell, stating that God sees everything. This preceded the differentiation of civil law and was implemented through fear. People were taught to confess, purge, repent, and willingly accept punishment with the understanding that it’s a good idea to get rid of guilt and shame, partially also through handing over their power and money. From a psychological or philosophical perspective the surface of right and wrong is questionable, and the glorified use of punishment is ineffective at best.
Apparently, humans have an innate sense and desire for justice and fairness, which is tied to the most important interest in feeling safe and good about oneself, and also the interest in truth and compassion. The means for that end have usually been punishment. Animal mothers also use a little punishment when they slap their pups, but when examined further, the effects of punishment are unconvincing and questionable – they promote fear, resistance, defiance, and often lifelong resentments along with worse behaviors. Humans are social animals and learn mostly through following role models, especially at a tender age when the brain is developing. Slapping a child to teach them not to slap his brother will not work out very well. Motivation and encouragement work much better. The threat of being hurt disrupts bonding and establishes the concept that love=pain. Intimidated children learn to distrust, hide, and lie. It can be demonstrated that guidance through tender love and care is best, especially when accompanied by encouragement, support, and verbal explanations.
People like to say “Justice has been served” as though a sentence could ever establish justice or fairness. Such ideals have been used to punish the weak, sick, and poor in an attempt to feel safe and move on. In a post-industrialized society where mothers are gone most of the time, children lack guidance and safety, while watching 10000 acts of violence within a few years. The prevalence of obesity, drug addiction, and violence does not come as a surprise at all. This is what children do to self-regulate anxiety and depression from an early age. They succumb to the overwhelming need to numb out, “chill” and be “cool.” In an instable and unsafe environment one doesn’t always get the choice to withdraw and hide. Sometimes it’s about posturing, and sometimes it can be about the choice between becoming a victim or a victimizer. Who’s bad?
Guilt incurs an unpleasant emotional response and thus makes it desirable to erase and disown it. The fact remains that guilt (just like beauty) rests largely in the eyes of the beholder – one tends to see it in others to the degree that it is maintained as a mental construct. One look under the surface shows that people who have been victimized and traumatized tend to internalize the guilt and they also pass it on via blame.
It can happen that aggression is justifiable as in the case of self-defense. It can appear necessary to twist the truth, too, where others are being blamed for one’s own misdemeanors and in order to disown responsibility, as in, “She MADE me do it; I was just following orders; he had to be stopped.” An all-time favorite is the Bible passage, “Spare the rod, spoil the child,” which has been used extensively over the ages to justify child abuse.
Sometimes the learned tools cease to work. Feeling pathetic, alone and ashamed over being broken can feel utterly hopeless and demoralizing and require a steady supply of good dope and Whiskey. Once this solution has been exhausted, it becomes obvious that the chemical solution has its limits… and a mental reorientation becomes necessary. For victims it’s essentially not relevant what happens to the perpetrator, although vindication and vengeance can appear sweet. It is, of course important to receive support and protection from continued abuse. Other than that it’s not at all about the other person – it is of utmost importance to understand that. Once trauma has occurred, it resides WITHIN the mind and body of the victim – and this is the only place where healing can occur.
In her great book “Evil Genes – Why Rome Fell, Hitler Rose, Enron Failed, and My Sister Stole My Mother’s Boyfriend” Barbara Oakley details the physiology of morality and the genetic predisposition for evil. Understanding an aggressive disposition and the blindness to the suffering of others based on the lack of ability to experience compassion can help with this process. It’s a personal journey. “Forgiveness can be about realizing that the other person is bat-shit crazy” (quote, anonymous). The maintenance of a self-righteous position comes at a prize as it maintains the bond between victim and victimizer. Healing must involve taking one’s spirit back from that connection. There is no other way, even if it’s incest or the Holocaust or any other act of unjustifiable victimization.
In her wonderful book “Why People Don’t Heal” Carolyn Myss relates the story of a “windtalker” – a Navajo Marine who used his native language as an unbreakable radio cypher during WWII. Captured by the Germans, he was tortured by nailing his feet to the floor. After his liberation he came home to his tribe on crutches. They exclaimed, “What happened to you?” He proceeded to answer, “The Germans…” They stopped him, “No, what happened to you?” Again, he wanted to explain, “The Germans…” and again they replied, “No, what happened to YOU?” and he tried to recount his experience, whereupon they told him this: “Your spirit is not with you. A man cannot live without his spirit. You must get your spirit back.” They threw him in the river and instructed him to swim and get his spirit back.
Understand that you do not have the power to undo the past. You do, however, have the power of life in the present moment.
Resentments keep the suffering alive and establish a toxic internal environment – even if the anger is justifiable (which it often is). Maintenance of one’s own superiority and innocence comes at a high price. Healing requires all you got – you got to lick your wounds and do whatever it takes to become whole again. Forgiveness is NOT about justifying or minimizing what has been done. It is NOT about tolerating more abuse or befriending the victimizer. Forgiveness is ultimately an act of self-love and self-care, where one’s own wellbeing takes priority over hostility. Forgiveness is liberation, enabling you to let go of the perpetrator and the past – look forward, move on, and open your hands to receive the present.
“An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” ~ Mohandas Gandhi

Tightly Twisted

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a human experience” – Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
In his book “Quantum Healing” Deepak Chopra describes human physiology: “Counting the number of cells in the human body is no easier than counting the number of people in the world, but the accepted estimate is 50 trillion, or about 10,000 times the Earth’s present population. Isolated and placed under a microscope, the various kinds of cells – heart, liver, brain, kidney, et cetera – look rather alike to the untrained eye. A cell is basically a bag, enclosed by an outer membrane, the cell wall, and filled with a mixture of water and swirling chemicals. At the center of all but the red blood cells is a core, the nucleus, which safeguards the tightly twisted coils of DNA. If you should hold a speck of liver tissue on your fingertip, it looks like calf’s liver; you would be hard-pressed to discern that it is specifically human. Even a skilled geneticist would detect only a 2 percent difference between our DNA and a gorilla’s. Of the calf’s liver cell’s many functions, over 500 at latest count, you would not have a clue simply by looking at it.*** As clouded as the mind-body issue has become, one thing is indisputable: somehow human cells have evolved to a state of formidable intelligence. At any one time, the number of activities being coordinated in our bodies is quite literally infinite. Like the Earth’s ecosystems, our physiology appears to operate in separate compartments that in fact are invisibly connected: we eat, breathe, talk, think, digest our food, fight off infections, purify our blood of toxins, renew our cells, discard wastes, vote, and much more besides. Each of these activities weaves its way into the fabric of the whole. (Our ecology is more planet-like than most people realize, Creatures roam our surface, as unmindful of our hugeness as we are of their minuteness. Colonies of mites, for example, spend their entire life cycle in our eyelashes.)*** Within the body’s vast array, the functions of any single cell – such as one of the 15 billion neurons in the brain – fill a good-sized medical text. The volumes devoted to any one system of the body, such as the immune system or the nervous system, take up several shelves in a medical library.*** The healing mechanism resides somewhere in this overall complexity, but it is elusive. There is no one organ of healing. How does the body know what to do when it is damaged, then? Medicine has no simple answer. Any one of the processes involved in healing a superficial cut – the clotting of the blood, for example – is incredibly complex, so much so that if the mechanism fails, as it does with hemophiliacs, advanced scientific medicine is at a loss to duplicate the impaired function. A doctor can prescribe drugs that replace the missing clotting factor in the blood, but these are temporary, artificial, and have numerous undesirable side effects. The body’s perfect timing will be absent, as well as the superb coordination of a dozen related processes. By comparison, a man-made drug is a stranger in a land where everybody else is blood kin. It can never share the knowledge that everyone else was born with.”*** Do you still think you’re not pretty enough, thin enough, good enough? Think again… You have been given a spectacular one-of-a-kind miracle of a live vehicle to carry you through.*** Your vehicle is non-refundable and not exchangeable. It’s yours for life… you may want to handle it with care, given that you will need it until the end. If you break it for lack of understanding like a little child would break a toy, it can happen that it’s all over before the time is up… You don’t want it to break down before you’re there, in the middle of nowhere, at a point where you’d rather carry on a bit longer. There is no way around it… sufficient supply of the right fuel and proper maintenance are a must if you want to reach the finish line. Nobody can make you appreciate it gratefully, but if you don’t… it’s just out of ignorance. Still - don’t pour sugar in the tank! *** The journey is not really so much about the destination, but rather your participation, attitude, and the people you encounter on the road. Look at what you offer to them. Bring some gifts! The trail you leave behind could matter more than you know. Your vehicle is perfectly outfitted for the journey, even if the others don’t love it the way you wish. Don’t compare it to others – you don’t know what their trip is all about. They may require different equipment for their purposes. Addiction is an error where you mistake the vehicle for the traveler. The suffering of the soul cannot be fixed on the physical plane. It requires a spiritual solution … is why addictions don’t work out in the end.*** P.S. People can tell your year and model, even if you give it make-overs and new paint jobs. Don’t waste your time fighting windmills. It’s futile.
“Whatever you decide, just remember, this is your life” – quote, anonymous

The Rehab Honeymooners

“How do you know when an alcoholic lets go? By the claw marks” – quote, anonymous
Her dad was useless, unpleasant, and then he was gone. Her mom was judgmental, depressing, and clingy, demanding solidarity with her resentments against dad. From an early age Marianne was assigned the role of co-dependent nurturer. Essentially, she became her mother’s life partner. She moved far away to escape and never knew that she had taken her internalized mother along. She was to notice much later what a pain in the neck that had been.*** She worked and drank, starved and vomited to distract herself from it all and get some tension relief. Then she was taken to rehab. She fell for “the Dude”, an immature and sexualized Peter Pan. A symmetrical buddy relationship began to blossom between equals in similar positions in the special rehab time-out bubble. As “rehab honeymooners” they started out with some easy-fun flirtations to enliven the rehab days, followed by some “totally casual” sex, but they didn’t quit there. It was a sweet distraction while they had nothing much to do, but smoke and go to group.*** When she went back to her high-power position in the finance world and he stayed en route to nowhere… the tables turned. They had moved on to sober living and she resumed her adult role while he remained in the carefree recovery mode. When he needed rides she gladly cancelled her own appointments to drive him places. The relationship became more complementary then – she had the pretty house, the car, and some spending money. He remained the charming passive overgrown man-child with too much time on his hands - in need for play, entertainment, and sex, of course, for his otherwise empty days. Such complementary dynamics can work out, too, as in “opposites attract”, but what happened here was that underlying dynamics played into it - she became like her mother and he became like her father… Her frustrations became rapidly less fun for the Dude and he looked elsewhere.*** It became painfully clear that he was essentially not available, not reliable, and consequently not such a pleasure, overall, but she held on. The acquired strategy taught by her mother was just that: do everything for him, then moan and complain when he doesn’t do what you want, insist on drawn-out interrogations, where the Dude would have to cringe and lie, and hold on like for dear life. The boy toy became “the straw that broke the camel’s back.” *** Marianne was sober and outwardly functional, but had not developed a sense of self that included self-love. She had never learned to be her own good mother and take good care of herself, nor did she know of strategies for harmonious and empowering interpersonal relations. She had become a “good girl” to stay under the radar of her mother’s domineering and abusive judgments. In recovery she shifted addictions from alcohol to sex & love, while secretly holding on to her eating disorder. It seemed as though she had discovered a much more joyous way of life than she had ever known before and she was exhilarated for a moment. And then it turned on her. He proceeded to exclude her occasionally and without her agreement. No big deal at first, but the dynamics had shifted unnoticeably. She was stunned with sadness over the Dude gratifying his primary momentary needs like a baby, without considerations for anything beyond himself. She may have been envious, too… He continued to play, but she would have needed some nurture from somewhere. It wasn’t happening, but yet she didn’t know how to let go.*** The continuous emotional upheaval counteracted the benefits of her recovery – it became exhausting and toxic. Genuine companionship was sorely missing and TLC was nowhere to be found… Neither one of them attended to her needs and wellbeing up until the time when her physical pain demanded her attention. Eventually her depleted and exhausted body gave in. Herniated discs in her neck became the physical manifestation of her lifelong burden, eventually forcing her into the realization that her co-dependent role was not working out for a fun relationship with the Dude or herself. The nerves in her left arm began to be encumbered in such a way that holding on became progressively impossible… When she cried over facing neck surgery it became apparent that in all actuality the Dude was gone…

Systematic Bias

“Systematic bias is the inherent tendency of a process to favor particular outcomes. It leads to systematic error." - Wikipedia
She came equipped with sensitivities that left her vulnerable for some experiences, which the others don’t quite attract as much. They live in a “different” world. The way she sees it… is largely the way it was in her early years. Things happened to her and she remained lacking in the good-stuff department. Her mental world was impoverished in such a way that finding a good place in the “normal” human community didn’t appear very desirable. It also became impossible.
Feeling small and dysfunctional inside, she thinks that she doesn’t measure up and wants to look bigger and better. She tries to show that she is desirable and admirable – cooler, thinner, hotter, and prettier. And yet, she feels dejected with it all. Self-confidence and optimism remain mostly out of reach, although she may not admit it.
She borrows from tomorrow’s strength and becomes depleted. While the others mature and get stronger, while they build a life for themselves, she runs for imaginary shelter, fantastic colors, intoxicating tunes, and rhythmic motions – hell-bent on finding enchantment in ways that exhaust her until she breaks down defeated and confused. She doesn’t move forward and she cannot go back.
She doubts that she can do it. Whatever it is. And she doesn’t feel lovable (really) or worthwhile for anyone. When he looks at her with desiring eyes (whoever he is) the magic happens – and she feels special and powerful, if only for this little moment with no tomorrow, and she succumbs to it (whatever it is). She treats her fear to some love, sex & excitement (whenever she can). There is this scarcity in her mental world. She doesn’t respond to reality as much as she reacts to her own inner pressures to fill herself up. She yearns for affection or safety, or perhaps money, things, or recognition… but nothing is like the high that she gets with sex and chemicals.
Unwilling to tolerate her own emptiness, she is driven to alter today’s reality – and so she finds substances that cover up and numb the feelings. With chemical courage introjected into her system she lights up, the world becomes enchanted, and life is doable for the time being, but since she cannot win over reality, nothing works out in the end. It’s a losing battle that she is fighting. She does try to blame the others, but that’s neither useful, nor is it entertaining. Only a total surrender to the existential condition would work. She may need courage and humility to admit it all, but the truth about her current position must not be compromised. Correcting her error is of the essence to find the way out of the wasteland.

Forever the Innocent Baby Girl

Rather than secretly divulging a sinister tragedy that is her life, where scoundrels are to blame and she remains the innocent baby girl forever. Rather than hating the others, petrifying her victim stance, and trying to get you to agree, she listens and shares at her meetings. She adjusts her perceptions. She right-sizes events in her mind and discovers that they are long gone, that only her blame keeps them alive.*** Consequently, she is released from self-appointed duty as prosecutor at eternal judgment day, where she had become the prisoner. Eventually her experience normalizes, her emotional climate mellows. She is liberated… to be an adult, live in today, envision some goals, and manifest a good life.

Life Hurts

"Excuse me while I disappear" - lyrics, Dennis/Brent
"I'm just not feeling it. Can’t do it. Can't face people like this." Life is a race over spiked obstacles, exhausting for no good reason. No care for ambitions. No interest in hobbies. Contentment is elusive. Healing is too slow. Without joy... life hurts and hope is intangible. It's all the same, BUT - relief can be had with sex & drugs, if only short-lived. "Let me do it, let me get my bearings, and THEN I deal with you, the kids, and everything else..." *** The addict has an extreme reaction to life. She suffers from emotional hyperalgesia, i.e. abnormal sensitivity to emotional pain – which translates to unrelenting stress. The experience of living throws her into a nasty undercurrent of fear and boredom. It’s just not pleasant enough. She perceives herself as ill-equipped to handle it all. Gut-wrenching conflicts must be numbed out while she is torn between desires of living and dying, attraction and avoidance, never content with either choice. Struggling with her inner hostility and defensiveness, she is stiff with tension. While the addict "must" self-medicate emotional discomfort any way she can at ANY price at all, some outsiders tell her to "just say No!" It's ludicrous - absurdly irrelevant and unattractive. She seeks relief like a thirsty person seeks water. It doesn't FEEL like an option - she follows her survival instinct and then she fails again and again and again. And the pain threshold gets even lower. Eventually she recoils from life and from people. It's just too cumbersome and shameful. Everyone is tired of behaviors, excuses, and apologies. Aliveness turns noxious. It's not death that she fears... She dreams of a good exit route.*** Her stress tolerance is maxed out on a daily basis. Outwardly indifferent, her system is stuck on autopilot, an endless loop of pleasure-seeking in the vast land of the Hungry Ghosts where nothing is ever enough and the pursued object of desire turns on her.*** Pain is the message. It means there is something wrong. She must attend to it – she feels compelled into action. She is hard-wired like that. Bad and continuous pain is agitating. Driven by the instinct for self-preservation her survival mechanism is activated by unrelenting stress. Getting rid of pain signals "I will live! The danger is over. It's all good." She is exhilarated. Drugs take the pain away and cause more when they are gone. She feels endangered, like she must do something or perish. It happens during detox… Her survival instinct tells her: Drugs = Life.*** Threat and coercion can never do the job. On the contrary, punishment would only increase the need to escape the status quo. The threat of punishment is absurdly futile. Enforcing abstinence is like telling a person with a wounded knee to quit limping, "You gotta quit it with the moaning, the faces, and the limping! It's wrong and forbidden. You will be punished." As soon as you turn your back she'll moan and limp, of course, or she may comply like a dry drunk - bitter and angry. No good. *** Recovery must offer management for the chronic and progressive illness of emotional hyperalgesia & perceptual distortion. She could benefit from mindfulness and other daily mental hygiene tools for stabilization during emotional earthquakes A spiritual connection helps through the path of compassion and acceptance and with that a life of meaning and purpose, where forgiveness replaces resentment and self-loathing. She needs some coaching for life skills, and encouragement for cleaning up the debris from the path of destruction. A sense of belonging with others who relate and understand makes all the difference - within a community of peers who share their experience, strength, and hope, and remind her on a daily basis that it can be done, even when it doesn't always feel that way and, most importantly, that's it's all worth the effort, that she can be lovable and valuable and her life can be worthwhile - that good things are possible in spite of everything that went down.

TRIBAL

“I live among the creatures of the night” – lyrics, Laura Branigan
Our persisting personality traits are extreme and troubling for everyone. Most of all for us. We just can’t help it. Some think we should simply say “No.” Others assume that we are like vampires, with an acquired and irreversible affliction. The truth is – we are born this way. Although it may look like a choice, for us cravings appear irresistibly compulsive, like sliding on ice. Ours is a progressive, incurable, and ultimately fatal condition. We learn to live with it, but it can look hopeless, too.
We don’t care all that much for a regular life style. We are not ambitious that way. We don’t know how to fit in and we’re not sure that we want to be normal and functional. Sometimes we do. Outsiders of mainstream society from an early age, we’re limping behind, looking for crutches to make it.
We are the black sheep. Needing to relate, we gravitate to outsiders, underdogs, and misfits. We associate with lower companions and we are lower companions. Either way, we want some company to make it through the night and do what we do in pursuit of happiness. We like to be with people who are just like us, dancing on the precipice, oblivious of danger, forgetful of tomorrow, wild and ready for anything. The initiation into the tribe is as brutal as it is futile. In hindsight it is obvious – we have always belonged here. We have been different from an early age. These are “our people.” They also have the scars. Although neither a rock star costume nor a pledge of allegiance are required for lifelong membership, many of us readily adhere to what looks like a dress code, adding more tattoos and piercings over time. It feels good to belong. In isolation it’s bitter - all about shame & blame. In the recovery tribe we share our experience to benefit others who are feeling just like us, and we get to turn weakness into strength.
It can happen that outsiders try to act as though they are part of our subculture, but that doesn’t work, although it can be very funny, just like Woody Allen in his movie, Zelig, where he looks and acts like whoever is around, even when it’s someone from another ethnicity. It’s like being Jewish – it may look like a chosen religion, but we’re born like that. In a “Seinfeld” episode, a dentist converts to Judaism and tries to emulate Jewish mannerisms. It’s very comical. You just wonder why would anyone voluntarily be a Jew? It doesn’t make sense.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave” – lyrics, The Eagles

Mindfulness

“Hold your feeling like a mother holding her baby. It’s an energy. Invite the mindfulness” – quote, Thich Nhat Hanh
You may have tried to distract yourself from unpleasant emotions. If distractions are about trying to forget anxiety and depression, then mindfulness is the opposite – it’s about embracing your inner reality. You can cultivate present moment awareness and regulate emotions simply by paying attention to what is going on with you. Your inner self wants to be acknowledged. The practice of listening to your feelings heals.
1) Somatic Experiencing – take note of physical representation of feeling, i.e. intensity and location of feeling in the body. Rate it on pain scale 1 -10. … you may realize that the feeling is not as bad as you thought.
2) INOF (=Identify, Name, and Own Feeling), e.g. anxiety, depression, anger. Allow it to be there in spite of discomfort, easy, without judging it as bad, and without trying to suppress or alter it. … allows you to stop over-identifying with the current state (of discomfort) as you notice that you are the one sitting and noticing, while the feeling is just that - a feeling – a transient aspect of your existential condition.
3) Conscious Breathing – attend to your breath, notice how it easily flows through you. Let go of whatever you’re holding on to. … imagine that you are just like a funnel for life energy.
4) Gratitude Prayer – give thanks for this day and the blue sky above. List some good things you can think of at this moment – welcome the current situation as your fate for now. … helps to let go of resistance and regain balance.
5) Introduce Solution – ask a Higher Power for guidance on your path. … allows for hope, creates a receptive mode in your subconscious mind for solutions to appear.
6) Practice Daily – monitor feelings daily and when agitation recurs - whenever necessary, take a moment and repeat the process. … notice how you can regulate discomfort and improve your mood.
‎"Inhale: I have arrived in the here and now. Exhale: I am home, free of the regret of the past; life is available only in the present moment" – quote, Thich Nhat Hanh

Spiritual Solution

The alcoholic feels different - grandiose and fearful, separate and broken, lonely and unloved, arrogant and prideful. She is bound to end up in a state of “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization” (eventually). Hers is a chronic, progressive, and fatal illness, which “probably only a spiritual awakening can cure”. She won’t admit any of it - unless she is ready. Until then she lies to get you to back off. And so… she’d have to find some kind of power beyond herself (aka Higher Power) to counteract resistance and defiance. Without such an agent of change she won’t know how to disable her defensive hostility, which keeps her in misery. If she can get there… and complete the first step, she will finally understand that a drink (drug or person) is not going to solve the problem. Ever. Using substances is based on the idea that an escape from suffering is to be had, control can be gained, and happiness will be acquired. It’s an error. She is (mostly) powerless. While it may allow for a brief moment of relief, it does so at the cost of ever increasing suffering thereafter. What she needs is an enema for unfinished business, where she lets go of shame and blame, and also the need to enforce outcomes. Substances can never do that. It’s on her. It’s part of the human condition.
Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st Step: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

RIDDLE

What is it? MOST people with this affliction don’t think they have it. Of those who do, most people think that some day somehow they will control it, against all odds. Instant gratification comes first. They want to be understood as special and unique. Meanwhile, they wither away.*** MANY claim that they have more important things to do - they have children or money issues, and want to make that their #1 priority. They go back in – and forget about children and income.*** SOME people accept the solution and get better, then reconsider and lose it again. Some find other ways to act out and make life too difficult.*** ONLY VERY FEW are willing to do what it takes. They undergo a transformation and find a new happiness. (Answer: Alcoholism)

i died 100 times

“If I am the chief of sinners, I am the chief of sufferers also.” - Robert Louis Stevenson, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
It has been seen as a “seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (big book, Alcoholics Anonymous), and often... it still appears that way. The medical community used to shun us... and it can still be that way. The legal system used to punish us... and it’s still that way. The alcoholic/addict is most difficult to deal with – she is “restless, irritable, and discontented” as well as “selfish, self-centered, and inconsiderate”. It can look as though she is voluntarily choosing to abandon her children and herself, and really her whole life, for a glass of wine, a pill, line of cocaine, hit on the pipe, or shot of opiates. *** This then routinely disables her internal control mechanism. Once intoxicated her inhibitions are rendered inoperative and so... she usually cannot stop before everything turns into disaster (again). Vaguely cognizant, she doesn’t show up for her responsibilities and she is incapable for continuity, accountability, and reliability. She might undergo an instant personality change like “Dr Jekyll and Mister Hyde” in the movie. She may display utterly unspeakable behaviors. She could become belligerent, promiscuous, or crazy. Afterwards she may experience some drug-induced amnesia (aka blackouts). Failing at controlling cravings and other impulses she becomes flooded with guilt, shame, regret, remorse, and self-loathing. Her family gives up trust and faith. Her children might lose the chance for happiness. It looks hopeless.*** It seems like she doesn’t want to learn from experience. She cannot befriend reality – she much prefers fantasy and illusion. She distorts the truth and denies the obvious. She must defend her ego, improve her mood, increase her self-confidence, and find a little joy... at ANY price at all. She is ready for the ultimate sacrifice. Under the influence of substances (or behaviors) that change her mood and perception, her existential pain eases, she can forget the gut-wrenching fear and finally take a sigh of relief. Then she re-discovers self-confidence and courage, which is sorely missed when she is left to her own devices. Life becomes tolerable for a moment. She remains immersed in the addict world, enslaved by supply necessities, without a belief in herself, the chance of freedom, or the power for transformation. She cannot reach the tipping point where the intensity of suffering overpowers the resistance to change. As long as she refuses to undergo a metamorphosis she is stuck... she can’t move on from tadpole to frog. She withers and drowns in the end.*** If she gets clean against all odds, she is then faced with the wreckage of her disease. Looking at all of it stark raving sober can be devastating. She is tempted to turn around and go back to what she knows. If she can be motivated for recovery she will need ongoing treatment for her chronic illness. Without learning how to love herself in spite of everything... the prospect of a new life may not be doable, conceivable, or even desirable.*** Since the 1930ies Alcoholics Anonymous and (later on) other Twelve Step Programs, such as Narcotics Anonymous or Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous offer regular meetings where she could see that she is not alone with her existential discomfort. Some addicts are able to stay sober through utilizing the spiritual principles, behavioral directives, and group support offered in these self-help programs.*** Since then we have come a long way. Residential, partial hospitalization (POP), intensive outpatient treatment (IOP), group, family and individual therapy (inpatient or outpatient) by professionals that specialize in addiction treatment, are offered for addicts with dual diagnosis (chemical dependence plus emotional or mental disorder). It is best to start out with a high level of care and gradually transition to a lower level of care, if at all possible; for example, start out with detox (typically a few days), then residential (30+ days), PHP (30+ days) and sober living, and IOP (30+ days), followed by psychotherapy and 12-step program (long-term basis) as a tightly-knit program of recovery. If that seems like a lot... I don’t know what to tell you. When you're pulled down by the progressive and ultimately lethal undertow of relapse and destruction it’s a life-saver.*** An estimated 85% of addicts/alcoholics have suffered some kind of abuse and trauma in childhood (or later). They experience intense anxiety, depression, anger, fluctuating states (as in Bipolar Disorder), or panic and flashbacks (as in Post-Traumatic Disorder). They typically lack social and life skills, which adds to their generalized discomfort. They find their inner reality unbearable and so they self-medicate with alcohol and drugs to “make it through the night.” Without ongoing professional treatment they have little or no chance at a good life with long-term sobriety - they remain lifelong hostages of their “inner sadist” (internal representations and mental constructs). Such clients can have a long history of failed attempts at recovery. They often consider themselves “chronic relapsers”, which is another way of saying that underlying issues have never been addressed properly.*** With professional treatment patients have the chance to work through and eventually heal problematic life experiences and traumata. Psycho-social education helps to fill in gaps in socialization. All of this is a process - it takes time and attention beyond the non-committal peer support in self-help programs. Even patients with severe issues that don’t believe that they deserve a good life, can recover if they are lucky enough to be offered hope and promised relief - packaged in a viable solution.
“I told you I was trouble. You know that I’m no good" – "I died 100 times" - lyrics, Amy Winehouse

SEVEN SPIRITUAL LAWS

Synopsis form "THE SEVEN SPIRITUAL LAWS OF SUCCESS" by Deepak Chopra. * The Law of Pure Potentiality * The Law of Giving * The Law of Karma * The Law of Least Effort * The Law of Intention and Desire * The Law of Detachment * The Law of Dharma * These laws have been described over the ages and can offer practical suggestions for everyday life. Laws are defined as a process where things must happen just so. Events can come into existence whether we know about it or not. Sometimes we call it a miracle or (good or bad) luck. Raising our awareness of spiritual laws can help us understand life and our role in it.

Sometimes I Dream...

Sometimes I dream of a whole generation of children treated with tender love and care. Always. No neglect or abandonment. Ever. All children are guided in a gentle manner and therefore they develop self-esteem, learn self-love and self-care, and take on life with confidence. None of them is ever subjected to sexual, violent, emotional, or verbal abuse, and they don’t have to witness it either. They are never scared into submission and so they don’t have to start out discouraged. Instead they are hopeful and optimistic. They have goals and enthusiasm. They are in touch with their feelings and physical sensations - they don’t have to seek excessive stimulations, and they don’t overeat (so much). And they pass it on… they don’t bully each other at school. Twenty years later… people don’t intimidate and humiliate each other. No one has to pick up their fists or weapons. People don’t have to self-medicate with drugs, food, sex, and other addictions (as much). No need to offer their own bodies for sex with strangers or use children as live sex dolls. Human suffering is reduced to a manageable level. One can count on random acts of kindness. A peaceful social climate takes over the whole country. Wouldn’t that be sweet?
“You may think I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one” – John Lennon
P.S. 90% of my clients cry over adverse childhood experiences, often beginning in infancy - such as neglect, abandonment, sexual, violent, verbal, and emotional abuse. Their default mode is anxiety and anger. Many of them have also been hurtful to their own children.

THE LAW OF DHARMA

“Dharma” stands for purpose in life. There are three aspects to this: 1) This law says that we are born for a reason. Get to know yourself so you can live your truth, but if you don’t... don’t expect your life to be meaningful. It can’t be, as long as you follow around random people or ideas. Therefore, look into spiritual practice. 2) You have a unique talent and you’re meant to find it. Look at what strikes your fancy, what you enjoy learning about, what you’d love to be good at. 3) Whatever it is that you acquire... offer it to the benefit of others as in “make yourself useful”. In principle this sounds easy enough. In its application it takes a lifetime...
“I did this with my own children. Again and again I told them there was a reason why they were here, and they had to find out what that reason was for themselves. From the age of four years they heard this. I also taught them to meditate when they were about the same age, and I told them, ‘I never, ever want you to worry about making a living. If you’re unable to make a living when you grow up, I’ll provide for you. What I really want you to focus on is asking yourself how you can serve humanity, and asking yourself what your unique talents are. Because you have a unique talent that no one else has, and you have a special way of expressing that talent and no one has it.’ They ended up going to the best schools, getting the best grades, and even in college, they are unique in that they are financially self-sufficient, because they are focused on what they are here to give. This then is the Law of Dharma.” - Deepak Chopra.
Wouldn’t it be lovely... to have such parenting, or at least try to be such a parent or partner? Wouldn’t it be sweet to shape your life according to such a roadmap rather than wandering about without a clue?

THE LAW OF DETACHMENT

Throughout life and irregardless of maturity and experience we are meant to deal with the unknown. Although uncertainty can be experienced as unpleasant it is the necessary precondition for freedom. If we would know things with certainty... we would have no choice – we would have to do things accordingly. The way it is we may feel the need to attach anxiously to people and things, ever fearful of loss and yet… they seem to slip away in spite of all our willfulness. When we lack trust in ourselves or a benevolent Higher Power… it can seem bleak. This creates a most stressful internal environment and it can get quite exhausting, too. We all know that good fortune cannot be enforced willfully. The fear-based need to hold on tenaciously interferes with the ability to receive the present. The law of detachment teaches to let go. It’s all about confidence and trust in an abundant universe, which unfolds with new developments, events, and options on a continuous basis. Visual imagery helps to bring the life you want in focus. It is suggested to visualize yourself amidst the desired circumstances during daily meditations and then to release the entire procedure and detach from the results. Put your mind on gratitude for all the good you already possess. Expect solutions to emerge. They always do. Get ready. Be curious.
“Good luck is nothing but preparedness and opportunity coming together” – Deepak Chopra