There was some sobriety and some success.
With people she bent over backwards,
Applied herself, tried too hard to make it happen.
Not knowing that a feeling was to show up unexpectedly,
Representing her to the person before her –
Funny at the moment, ugly a Minute later,
Interference from the enemy within.
She was like the cow that gave a bucket of milk
Only to kick it over. Bam. For no reason at all.
Just like that.
She went through reactions to real and imagined events.
Most of all the suffered from gut-churning regrets
Over words and deeds that poured out,
Before her consciousness could catch up,
Sliding in and mocking her.
She cringed over sabotaging her life,
Past and future, seemingly avoidable,
Wishing to be normal and bland,
Yearning to be average and invisible.
It wasn’t given to her to be unobjectionable at will.
Incapable of preventing or stopping a long forgotten past,
That left her easily disquieted and perhaps a bit intense.
She remained a liability to herself,
Bemoaning her lack of casual smoothness.
Hers was a stark reality. People were crude.
Her disposition remained easily unsettled,
When things were less than pleasant.
Too slow to stop the dybbuk who spoke with her mouth.
The harder she tried to suppress it all,
The worse he did her.
A toxic fog of hopelessness drifted in.
Without other options she was defeated,
She was tired and it came to where
She just had to let it go, the good and the bad.
She laughed in his face and he paled.
It wasn’t until then that she saw it clearly…
It wasn’t just a dybbuk, but rather a chain of ancestors,
Survivors of wild and impossible migrations,
Living forth within her and through her,
Requesting recognition.
These spirits were not to be silenced,
They were to be recognized and honored.
Only then would they quit it
With the interference in her own little life.
Once she knowingly accepted the torch of life
on behalf of them all
they were free to be of loving service to her.
They’re saying: The world is wild.
Life is unpredictable.
Jump in and make a splash while you can!
You are who you are because of us.
Today it’s on you to carry the torch of life.
We are with you. Always.
P.S.
“In Jewish mythology a dybbuk is a malicious or malevolent possessing spirit believed to be the dislocated soul of a dead person.” - Wikipedia
See also psychodynamic theory for unconscious motivations, ego-defense mechanisms, projective identification, introject.
It can go like this:
In childhood I felt rejected - I learned, incorporating this into my self-concept as
an introject – this is why I reject myself - I behave accordingly, expressing it with
behaviors, which sabotage my success - others respond, where I bring out
rejection in others, thus confirming and reinforcing my belief.
See also epigenetics for genetic transmission of emotionally salient experiences,
i.e. traumatic experiences tend to be passed on over generations.
See also limbic hijack for neurological explanation, i.e hyper-excitable amygdala overrides activation of pre-frontal cortex – consequently insight, judgment, and impulse control are compromised.