heart chakra

The Fourth Chakra
This is the energy of love. Physically, the fourth chakra is located at the center of the chest. Energetically, it is connected to our heart and circulatory system, breasts, lungs, shoulders, arms and hands. It is associated with the color green. Every sentiment emanates from the heart center. That is why it is the most powerful chakra and can be dangerous if not guided properly. We mess up our life mostly because of our heart, our passion. When we are imbalanced in our heart chakra, we tend to become overly attached to some object of affection. The goal is to be nurturing towards another person while receiving nurturing in return, as well. We have to love ourselves first, look for beauty in all things, and seek emotional balance – so we create harmony instead of getting caught up in chaos.

Fourth chakra energy is pure power. Put your attention towards hope, confidence, compassion, and acceptance. Think love. Shine your light freely. We lose power by investing in low-grade emotions such as fear, despair, hate, envy, and jealousy. The “wounded child” within holds painful memories and turns them into negative attitudes, which, in turn, shape our behavior. This is how we perpetuate our childhood pain. We create what we fear most, i.e. abandonment can turn into fear of abandonment, which can turn into fear of commitment, which tends to create abandonment. People stay out of balance to get negative attention when they feel that their life is worth nothing without the love they crave. This can be the reason why people don’t heal – in essence they sacrifice their life on the altar of love. A better solution is to live life with the attitude of “what would love do now?” and do that. When you give love you are always surrounded by love.

Whenever you feel the need to control another person … let go … pull your spirit back … remind yourself to do what it takes to nurture and heal yourself instead. Healing is possible through acts of forgiveness. Our wounds do not hurt the people who hurt us - they hurt only us. Resentments keep us from becoming whole and moving on. Self-love means caring for ourselves enough to forgive people in our past and allow our wounds to heal. Within all experiences, no matter how painful, lie spiritual insights. At the fourth chakra level we get to know ourselves through our emotions – when we have strayed and have been hurt too much, we may even find that it’s time to change. Don’t be surprised when others don’t do what you want at all times – it’s not their task to be there for you. Loving others means to allow them to be what they are – even when they aren’t fulfilling what you think your needs are. It is your task to give love freely and joyfully – with self-respect, but without expectations to get anything back.

Live Love

personal

The Third Chakra
The third chakra is the energy of personal power, ego, personality, intuition, and self-esteem. Physically, it is believed to be located around the navel center, encompassing the digestive system, liver, pancreas, kidneys and the adrenals. Its color is yellow.

In order for our spirit to thrive we must develop integrity. We do this by following our internal honor code – like giving our word and keeping it, too.

How you feel about yourself determines the quality of your life. This includes your capacity to succeed in your endeavors and appreciate it when you do. As you develop a sense of self, your intuitive voice becomes your inner source of guidance. At this level you are meant to develop the power of endurance required for healing, maturation, and success. A person with a well-developed third chakra is usually energetic, organized, and goal-oriented. Along with this comes a well-developed sense of will power, commitment, personal strength, and stamina. The ability to handle a crisis, the courage to take risks, as well as strength of character are associated with this level.

A person with weak third-chakra activity tends to be scattered, unfocused, without the energy to achieve their goals, and consequently frustrated or angry – as their life lacks meaning. Anger is the shadow emotion of the third chakra, as is fear of rejection and all insecurities about one’s appearance. If you give in to temptations and act out on these emotions, going through life inflicting pain and humiliation on your people, you compromise your spirit. Disrespecting yourself and others in this manner breaks your strength. While you might think that you’re are despising others… you won’t be able to respect or love yourself and you may end up sabotaging your own happiness without even knowing it. This is the path of self-destruction and addiction.

Accept yourself the way you are. You won’t ever be anyone else. The challenge at this level is to find your truth and live accordingly. Deceit, manipulation, and lies compromise your inner clarity and power. Raise your awareness to the consequences of your actions and you will see that you cannot really afford wasting your lifetime on such activities. Nothing should be more important than following your own intuitions. Avoid confusing yourself with excessive diversions and illusions. Make your choices based on acceptance of current reality rather than resentments about yesterday’s rain. Do the right thing according to your own inner wisdom – and you won’t have regrets. Play your cards right and avoid doing foolish things to be ashamed of - and you won’t feel ashamed. Lead a life where you can respect yourself – and you won’t have to rely on others for approval. Life presents you with chances – be present and attend to the moment, so you won’t miss them. They may not come again. Use the gifts you have been given for manifesting your dreams - instead of envying others who do. You will build self-esteem by doing estimable acts.

If this sounds like a bit much – do it only for today. You have the rest of your life to practice it. Living your truth is not really negotiable, don’t you think? If that means that right now your truth is that you feel insecure or confused or whatever it is - so be it. Own it! That’s where your power is.

Richmond Walker writes, “Happiness is a by-product of living the right kind of life, of doing the right thing. Do not search for happiness, search for right living and happiness will be your reward.” – Twenty-Four Hours a Day

shame group 7th

Q: How does a shame-based self get expressed in relationships and sexual behavior?

Childhood:
Parents were not really present
Didn’t get what I needed – no encouragement and support
They wanted me to do something I couldn’t do
lack of love, safety, guidance
lack of being understood and accepted for who I am –
Parents wanted me to be something that I am not -
what they wanted me to be – I couldn’t be that
Parents tried to live vicariously through me - I was forced to do things I didn’t like
Mom was competitive with me – no boundaries – wanted me to be very skinny
Mom was passive-aggressive
If I did anything good – my mom got depressed, saying she couldn’t do that
Learned shame-based attitude about own body and sexual organs in childhood

Attitude:
if someone has good self-esteem they behave totally differently than I do
Need drugs for sex
Suppress the mental side of sex – disconnect
98% of the people I had sex with – I would not do it sober
desperate for love – take whatever – whenever I can get it -
vicious self talk on the day after
I’m always trying to think about her
I’m always trying to say something to make everyone O.K.

Process:
sexual conduct causes shame – causes denial – causes more self-destruction and annihilation – vicious cycle
start out with shame-based self – manifest it – revictimize myself like in childhood
if someone loves me – I treat them like shit – lose respect for them because they treat me with love - as if love is some kind of weakness – as if they are stupid and don’t really know me
if I love someone it’s mostly because they treat me like shit – want to have sex all the time

Identified 2 distinct positions:
1) hyper-sexual sex-addict mode:
Sex is all I’m good at – hitting, whipping, biting
I’m disgusting, I’m shit, I’m a disgusting slut bag
I don’t get disgusted - nurse Trixie role
Amazon woman – not vulnerable – masculine active role
Have to perform sex for love
Over-anxious – “eager beaver” – trying too hard – being sexy is really important

2) hypo-sexual isolater mode:
Can’t connect sexually
don’t feel clear about it
get disgusted over other people’s body fluids

Homework:
Balance with meditation on second or third chakra, breathe, and listen to the wind...

sex versus creativity

The Second Chakra
This is the energy of creativity – where we are meant to establish some balance between productivity and procreation. Physically, the second chakra is located at the lower back, hip, and genital area. Its color is a pale orange, the color of pumpkins. At this level we have outgrown childlike dependency and are choosing where to direct our energy. We ought to make our choices wisely, because each choice is creative - one thing leads to another. As we try to get our needs met, we weave our spirit into life and create connections with the people we attract. Our choices contain the energy of either faith or fear – and the outcome reflects to some extent that faith or fear. Motivated by fear we can easily fall prey to dependencies, obsessions, and addictions. Any choice made from faith keeps us aligned with the Divine Forces – and draws help to us when we need it most.

We need to create – so we follow our desires and passions, initiate and respond to movement and change. In search of a way that works we wrestle with opposing forces; they have been called yin/yang, male/female etc. The typical second chakra duality takes place between our sexual urges versus our needs for other creative expressions – potentially causing intense conflict and painful consequences. If we allow ourselves to become obsessed with romance and/or sex, our energy is tied up to forces outside ourselves, beyond our control. We could find that our desires bring into existence a vicious cycle of insatiable needs. Creativity brings our internal process out into the world – and we can find happiness in doing what we like to do. We are good at what we like to do, and we like to do what we are good at –this is the red thread to success. In order to achieve some sense of contentment we must find a way to balance the need for loving/sexual involvement with the need for creative expression. Not an easy feat.

If a person is blocked at this level, they will be listless, finding life boring, empty and exhausting. The shadow side of this chakra is resentment, the desire for vengeance. It can become necessary to get your spirit back from the illusion that people have come into your life for destructive reasons. Everyone in your life plays a role in your fate, although it might not be obvious at the time. If we cannot find a way of blessing them, we become morbid and toxic as our own biological system becomes chronically flooded with poisonous negativity. It’s not fun, either.

Think about bringing love and joy – but stand up for yourself and set boundaries when necessary. Use your power deliberately! Interact with kindness and compassion – especially when it looks to you as though the other person is aggressive and at fault. It’s not about being right. It’s about your inner emotional climate as well as the quality of your interactions. Don’t waste your energy trying to convince people that you are right and they are wrong. We are meant to respect the lives of others, rather than demanding that they ought to fulfill our needs and desires. Instead of over-indulging in strife, ask yourself, “What would love do now?” This includes love and respect for yourself…

Seek to give rather than to get. Whatever it is that you want – give it to the other person. Look to form relationships of mutual support and encouragement. It may not always be about your expectations, but neither is it about allowing people to exploit you. Sometimes we outlive certain circumstances and relationships – and find that it’s time to move on. Instead of complaining for extended periods of time that someone is “wrong” – it might be much more useful to look at your options…
Establish balance on a daily basis
Copyright 2008/2009

meditation and the chakras

Meditation and The Chakras
There is really nothing fancy about meditation – my cats do it all the time… Essentially it is about sitting still – with your eyes closed so that you may tune out the outside world and attend to your inner process. For one, you cannot do anything destructive during that time. Meanwhile you calm down, allow yourself to get centered, grounded, and aware of yourself. Keeping your back straight is helpful so you won’t fall asleep. Not that there would be anything wrong with that – it’s just not meditating. They say the chakras should be aligned in a straight line, meaning you sit with a straight back. Sounds easy enough – may take a while until you begin to create joy and relaxation in this manner. We are so used to distractions. Meditating is about getting to know who you are without identifying with your behaviors or others’ reactions to you. If you do it every morning you will find it empowering and soothing.

The chakra concept is an ancient metaphorical system that outlines human development towards higher levels of consciousness. The eight chakras summarize the main issues to address on the spiritual path. On a physical level they are believed to be power centers in the body, which radiate a certain energy. It is understood that they begin at the base of the spine and continue upward to the top of the head. Chakra is the Sanskrit word for wheel, and people with psychic vision supposedly are able to see the chakras as rapidly spinning wheels of different colored light and to interpret the state of our energy and implications for our wellbeing.

Concentrating on one of the chakras (or all of them in sequence) can be a pleasant starting point for meditation if sitting still and doing nothing is too unfamiliar. Read one of the following papers on a chakra before you settle down for your meditation, do some conscious easy breaths (or breathing exercises). Envision the meaning of the metaphor. You could also imagine that you energize the chakra’s color by breathing into it until you make it glow. Enjoy it, too!
copyright 2008/2009

6th shame group - let it be

Q: When looking at your relationships (=rs) – how can you tell that you have shame about who you are?
- can tell by our reactions to things
- things we say about ourselves
- body language
- eagerness to accept all responsibility for everything (!)
when my boyfriend hurts me – I feel like an idiot (!)
cannot accept or even notice compassion for my suffering – because I always think it’s my fault and I deserve it
I supported him and believed him and he is throwing it back in my face
We both agreed that he is important and I’m not – then I was resentful – then I went back for more
Mad at myself for even considering certain compromises, i.e. you can fuck other guys (!) and fuck me, too; you can have other women in your bed and I’m O.K. with it
I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t know how to stop
I resigned to him and this rs months ago
Once I pull away, he comes after me – I think he needs me
I abandoned myself and my recovery for a warm body
I’m so much more mad at myself for going back to him for more shaming
I’m just cramped in the desperate neediness – when I move, the strings get tighter - this neediness is what’s so embarrassing and so I isolate from friends so that I hide from the truth (they want to tell me)
I can’t stand it when they say what they say
No matter what people say, it just hurts more – and I still can’t get out
I made idle threats
I disappoint everybody
That’s why people relapse - I almost did
I’m accepting nothing – I’m trying to change things I can’t control – wasting all my energy on it
I stay with my using boyfriend and accept more humiliation and pain out of the fear that I’m ugly and will remain alone without him
Don’t listen to my gut feeling – ignored it, made some excuse when he trolled for girls on craigslist, dating website
When agitated I “must” immediately send mean emails

Why should we expose ourselves to humiliation and disrespect, rejection, lies, and betrayal?
I don’t know how to say and feel NO
I don’t know how not to feel guilty about boundaries
No hope, no faith or confidence that my life can get better – don’t know what to believe, which feeling to trust
Biggest fear: there is no way out, nothing is ever gonna change – so I might as well stay
Goal: recognize red flags, i.e. he relapsed and I’m still trying to make it work
What is the truth?

Meditation: Imagine dabbling in a fresh clear mountain creek and also being the water in this lovely little creek. Your consciousness is like this water, eternally flowing through. Let go of the need to interfere and build dams. Listen to the water. Listen to the wind. Give yourself permission to be happy today. You don’t have a problem. You’re just dealing with life, the end result of millions of years of water and wind. It’s not your fault. You’re just in it. Let go. Let it be…
Have a lovely weekend! You can do it!

please balance

just for today - please balance the relationship difficulties,
mentioned in the last blog post, with this:

The Third Chakra
The third chakra is the energy of personal power, ego, personality, intuition, and self-esteem. Physically, it is believed to be located around the navel center, encompassing the digestive system, liver, pancreas, kidneys and the adrenals. Its color is yellow.

In order for our spirit to thrive we must develop integrity. We do this by following our internal honor code – by giving our word and keeping it, too.

How you feel about yourself determines the quality of your life. This includes your capacity to succeed in your endeavors and appreciate it when you do. As you develop a sense of self, your intuitive voice becomes your natural source of guidance. At this level you are meant to develop the power of endurance required for maturation, success, and healing. A person with a well-developed third chakra is usually energetic, organized, and goal-oriented. Along with this comes a well-developed sense of will power, commitment, personal strength, and stamina. The ability to handle a crisis, the courage to take risks, as well as strength of character are associated with this level.

A person with weak third-chakra activity tends to be scattered, unfocused, without the energy to achieve their goals, and consequently frustrated or angry – as their life lacks meaning. Anger is the shadow emotion of the third chakra, as is fear of rejection and all insecurities about one’s appearance. If you give in to temptations and act out on these emotions, going through life inflicting pain and humiliation on your people, you compromise your spirit. Disrespecting yourself and others in this manner breaks your strength. While you might think that you’re are despising others… you won’t be able to respect or love yourself and you may end up sabotaging your own happiness without even knowing it. This is the path of self-destruction and addiction.

Accept yourself the way you are. You won’t ever be anyone else. The challenge at this level is to find your truth and live accordingly. Deceit, manipulation, and lies compromise your inner clarity and power. Raise your awareness to the consequences of your actions and you will see that you cannot really afford wasting your lifetime on such activities. Nothing should be more important than following your own intuitions. Avoid confusing yourself with excessive diversions and illusions. Make your choices based on acceptance of current reality rather than resentments about yesterday’s rain. Do the right thing according to your own inner wisdom – and you won’t have regrets. Play your cards right and avoid doing foolish things to be ashamed of - and you won’t feel ashamed. Lead a life where you can respect yourself – and you won’t have to rely on others for approval. Life presents you with chances – be present and attend to the moment, so you won’t miss them. They may not come again. Use the gifts you have been given for manifesting your dreams - instead of envying others who do. You will build self-esteem by doing estimable acts.

If that sounds like a bit much – do it only for today. You have the rest of your life to practice it. Living your truth is not really negotiable, don’t you think? If that means that right now your truth is that you feel insecure or confused or whatever it is - so be it. Own it! That’s where your power is.

Richmond Walker says, “Happiness is a by-product of living the right kind of life, of doing the right thing. Do not search for happiness, search for right living and happiness will be your reward.” – Twenty-Four Hours a Day

addict relationships - men & women

Quotes - women and men at sober living:
This week's question:
Imagine I know nothing about
how it is for an addict to have relationships (= rs).
Please explain it to me!
This is what my addicts said:

1) The women:
Don’t really feel when I’m using (I have real feelings now, sober)
Love disappears - I lost myself - I lost God
Fear, sadness, regrets, remorse, self-loathing, anger, aggression
own behavior is incomprehensible
Isolated, lonely - Vodka = my lover
No limits, no belief, lowered standards
Constant drama and arguments -
Is it a pattern? Have I learned it? Should I change?
My using is totally tied in with my co-dependency
Spirituality went dormant - bad choices
impaired parenting – leads to guilt and shame
good relationship with my drug –
my drug was my primary relationship
no boundaries –
allowed my teenage son to drink in the house when I was loaded
my kids were taken by CPS
didn’t realize how drugs blocked my thinking and understanding
didn’t get to know myself - big chunks of my life were lost
my husband told me to leave after 33 years of marriage –
feel ashamed – cried when my grandchildren came to visit
communication is difficult –
feelings + emotions come out ugly and aggressive –
pushed everybody away - blamed them
lying, secretive, deceitful, covering up unacceptable behavior,
deny what I obviously had done – created distance to my husband
When my daughter tells me what happened, I say it’s not true -
we have different memories - her memories are annoying (scary) –
I deny what she says

2) The men:
I don’t do relationships
Obsessive about rs
I don’t move on
quote: alcoholics don't have rs - we take hostages
quote: how do you know when an alcoholic lets go?
By the claw marks...lol
Have low self-esteem and find someone with even lower self-esteem
Stay with lower companion – too lazy to break up
she kept coming back...
I never had to do anything
I was passive-aggressive – she was just aggressive
I’m a professional at ruining rs –
I’m selfish and sneaky, I lie, cheat, manipulate,
And I don’t care
My way or the high way
Lack of respect, lack of love and self love
I’m destroying this person and myself and still stay in it
I like insanity – can’t expect anything –
hurt the other person to be in control -
Keep something hanging over their head
As long as I’m using I have a hidden agenda
Never unpack emotionally - drop people in a heartbeat -
every rs has been perishable
What do you have and how can I get it?
Chaos and drama in rs is just another side of addiction
Needy all the time
I like having a girlfriend - then I’m more attractive to other girls
I did drugs and had sex with her girlfriends in her own car,
then I crashed the car – there was a lot of using and abusing her
Test boundaries, especially when I’m told not to do something
I have to fuck something up to spice things up
I liked to focus on something about her that I could hate
I didn’t even see all her plastic surgery
I’m a mess - disease of perception - total dysfunction

Co-dependency:
- My happiness depended on someone else’s approval
- Do things that are not healthy for myself
- I feel…dependent on how my partner feels
- I don’t want to have stress or confrontations
- It’s hard to say No

Newly sober: not in a rs for the right reasons
i.e. didn’t care about them
Recovery: is about doing the right thing to the best of my ability –
so I feel better about myself – develop self-esteem – psychic change

If you find this sad (I did) -
please balance it with the next blog post,
titled "please balance"

ball of love

Shame & Self-Sabotage – 5th group

Reading:
“Gradually, over a period of time, this frozen feeling of belief
recedes from consciousness. In this way shame becomes basic
to one’s sense of identity. One becomes a shame-based person” –
John Bradshaw
“Shame internalization has four major consequences.
A shame-based identity is formed,
the depth of shame is magnified and frozen,
autonomous shame activation or functional autonomy results,
and finally, internal shame spirals are made operative.” – J.B.
J.B. describes it as solitary confinement of chronic grief
and intolerable pain

Internalized images, sound records in the brain,
and “automatic” thought memories were explored –
which may trigger old experiences of shame –
And then generalize from “I experience…” or “I remember…”
to "I AM" broken, defective, worthless, useless, fat, ugly etc.
whatever the hook may be –
and self-doubt or self-hatred remains permanently in place
to be called upon at any time we feel abandoned
or rejected like in childhood.

Group shares on stream of consciousness throughout the day:
I’m afraid of boredom –
so much I should be doing and I’m not doing it – so I drink
I have no right to be (bored) - I feel lonely, sad, alone -
I don’t have the right to be alone
No emotion I have could be right
My mom is a morning person –
she always told me that I wasted the day when I got up at 10:00 –
I have the constant feeling that I have done something wrong
before I even get out of bed – I wake up with the stressful
I-have-done-something-wrong terror
Something terrible is gonna happen
Cycle of total self-hatred because I’m not going to the gym –
the gym helps my mood and eating behavior
and then I beat myself up – in cycles during the day
that I’m a loser, doughy and fat instead of trim and fit –
when I eat fat or sugar I go more into it,
telling myself that I have no self-control.
Zero!
I can control what I put into my body.
I cannot control other people.
Interpreted this as:
Kill yourself trying to control an absolutely uncontrollable world

Self-criticism – list of things to should have done or quit –
cigarettes, caffeine, sugar, bread, flour, meat;
Should: vitamins, exercise, floss teeth
Lists are constantly going; lists are evidence…
Fucking give up! You’re fucked! Go fucking jogging!
O.K., but who wants to fuck me? Who could I fuck?
Quick fantasy of power with that –
but underneath …“that’s all that you are”

I can’t even do my mail – can’t survive – not allowed to spend $$
It is as though I’ve been a 500-pound woman
and lost 250 pounds – and I’m still not thin
It’s all about resistance – whatever it is, I’m against it
Like a car on idle where the idle mode is much too rough,
uneven, and loud –
it needs attention and correction, needs to be maintained and adjusted

Consecutive adjustments:
We can do that through raising our awareness -
talk, listen, read, write, watch, learn from others
seek to understand
relating to others alleviates shame
healing through laughter
affirmations, prayer, meditation with visual imagery, being of service

Homework: meditation, focus on breath, inhale and imagine opening my heart and filling my whole being with love (think of a pet or little child) – color pale lavenderish pink, then imagine exhaling all dark-grey pain and misery – when whole inside is filled with love energy imagine that it emanates from the pores all around you like the aura of love – until you become a BALL OF LOVE.
Very good for the mood.

shame & self-sabotage - 4th group

Dangerous topic –
remembering shameful experiences can be upsetting
Balance by creating a healing space –
mini meditation with chakra reading at end of session

Q: current acting out behaviors?

Discussion:
Being raped as excuse for self-destructive behavior
Justify bad behavior
Sexual acting out
Excessive working out
Use of laxatives
Contemptuous judgments of others (self)
Body Dismorphic Image - distorted body image – too fat, old, ugly
Never good enough, critical, compare to other people
Lonely + different in childhood!
Shame about age & $$
Fear of relationships, intimacy –
fear of being sexually inept, not lovable
being “found out” for being “worthless”

Affirmations:
I’m exactly who I am supposed to be
It’s hard to believe how lovely I am
I am allowed to be happy today

In response to childhood abuse issues that have come up
with the addict population I have revised the first chakra paper.
Please let me know how you like it!


Meditation and The Chakras

There is really nothing fancy about meditation – my cats do it all the time. Essentially it is about sitting still – with your eyes closed so you may ‘tune out’ the outside world and attend to your inner process. For one, you cannot do anything destructive during that time. Meanwhile you calm down, allow yourself to get centered, grounded, and aware of yourself. Keeping your back straight is helpful so you won’t fall asleep. Not that there would be anything wrong with that – it’s just not meditating. They say the chakras should be aligned in a straight line, meaning you sit with a straight back. Sounds easy enough – may take a few days or weeks until you begin to create joy and relaxation in this manner - we are so used to distractions. Meditating is about getting to know who you are without identifying with your behaviors or others’ reactions to you. If you do it every morning you will find it empowering and soothing.

Chakra is the Sanskrit word for ’wheel’. The chakras begin at the base of the spine and continue upward to the top of the head. People with psychic vision can see the chakras as rapidly spinning wheels of different colored light and interpret the state of our energy and implications for our health. The chakras are power centers in our body, each radiating a particular energy that is important to our well being. This ancient metaphorical system outlines our development throughout life towards higher levels of consciousness. Concentrating on one of the chakras (or all of them in sequence) can be a pleasant starting point for the meditation novice, for whom sitting still and doing nothing is too hard (!). Read one of the following papers on a chakra before you settle down for your meditation, do some conscious easy breaths or breathing exercises - imagine that you energize this chakra’s color by breathing into it until you make it glow. Let the essence of the metaphor work for you. Enjoy it, too!


The First Chakra
This is the energy of our genetic and tribal heritage. Physically, the tribal chakra is located at the base of the spine. It is connected to our immune system, bowels, and our legs and feet. The color associated with the first chakra is red. This level is our foundation – it provides us with a sense of identity, grounds us, and connects us with our family and beyond, with all mankind, and all of life. Our tribe teaches us what it means to be a human being, and this guidance accompanies us through adulthood. It is helpful to understand and embrace our ethnic legacy.

Belonging to a tribe also means that loyalty is rewarded and defiance to the traditional path is punished. Family life is not necessarily what we want it to be … Some of us have to survive abandonment and abuse and find it impossible to follow in the footsteps of their elders. Severing these life-sustaining ties can trigger fears of survival and requires courage and strength. Processing remembered psychological injuries takes time and perseverance. If we give in to our fears and avoid mastering this hurdle, we may get stuck in the victim role and even recreate our childhood issues throughout adult life.

Those of us who venture out into the world and become a stranger among strangers, may feel insecure or guilty about having abandoned our people, convince ourselves that the others are better than us and try to emulate them. The truth is – we can never be like them. We can respect people from different backgrounds, and we can learn from them. As a result, our life becomes enriched, more colorful, and interesting – and we raise our awareness about traditions and conventional living, socialization, styles of relating and communicating, and so much more.

If you come from a loving, supportive, and nurturing family, great. Pass on all the good you have experienced! If that’s not the case – look for a way to bless your own family! Do not rest until you see a way out of blame! Find a psychotherapist, teacher, mentor, sponsor, friend, whatever it takes. In the history of mankind, nobody has ever found happiness through resentments. Pray for their happiness – and you will find forgiveness. Take your spirit back from the error of perception that there was a mistake, that the circumstances you are faced with are wrong. Respect your heritage – even though human nature can seem incomprehensible and unacceptable at times. God has created all of us just so.

We don’t necessarily know why people did what they did to us. Always look for compassion! Sometimes it’s about claiming your right for happiness. It can be about standing up for yourself. It can be about introducing hope and change. Or it could be about endurance and finding a way not to do unto others what has been done unto us … with gratitude that you are not the one having done unacceptable acts. Be kind with your people! Leave them (as well as yourself) some room for growth and improvement! Everybody has their own life to live and their own path to follow.

Bless your family and your tribe! Feel yourself connected to the chain of life throughout the ages! As recipient of a legacy you embody the link to the next generation. It’s about what YOU do about the past and how you tie it to the future. Own what you got and consider the footprint you are leaving behind.

Today it’s your turn…

shame & self-sabotage (1)

WHAT FOLLOWS IS SHAME

In his BRILLIANT book “Healing the Shame that Binds You”, John Bradshaw discusses what he calls “toxic shame” - instilled in our hearts as children, unable to move on with an authentic self intact. We had to find a way to survive, and we did – is the good news, but there is still some healing that needs to be lived through. Multi-generational patterns of dysfunctional, confusing, hurtful, and damaging behaviors victimize each child and the child grows up feeling broken and inferior to others and as a consequence of unmet childhood needs “incomplete and insatiable”.

Here’s John Bradshaw’s list of “The Dysfunctional Family Rules” (abbreviated):

1) CONTROL or Chaos – try to suppress fear – try to ensure safety - try to ensure the absence of chaos - control is the major strategy for shame – i.e. one must be in control of all interactions, feelings, and behavior at all times.

2) PERFECTIONISM or Anomie – always be right in everything you do. No one EVER measures up; based on lack of guidance in childhood (see definition of anomie below).

3) BLAME – as defensive cover-up for SHAME – when control has broken down with undesirable result – try to project own shame onto others – person is convinced that the other person is at fault - insists on it

4) DENIAL OF THE 5 FREEDOMS (Virginia Satir about basic human power) – you shouldn’t perceive, think, feel, desire, or imagine the way you do.

5) THE ‘NO TALK’ RULE – don’t speak of what you really feel, need, or want – i.e. “if you got nothing nice to say, don’t say anything”. “I’m fine” when dying inside.

6) THE ‘NO LISTEN’ RULE – “can’t hear you, too busy trying to defend myself.”

7) DON’T MAKE MISTAKES – don’t show vulnerable self – it WILL be used against you. Always guarded.

8) UNRELIABILITY – don’t trust anyone – parents didn’t get their own needs met and will NOT be available to meet their children’s needs. Fear.

9) DON’T TRUST – a life of continuous fear without basic trust in self or others.

Shame about who we are appears to be at the root of all addictions – where we try to escape awareness of ourselves. In the process we create life-damaging consequences and add them onto gut-wrenching pain and explosive emotional states (i.e. anger)… and more shame. Shame also causes neurotic, borderline, and co-dependency consequences, which tend to take over the personality over time, causing painful maneuvers in our endeavors to get a break from suffering.

The neurotic obsesses over his own shame and guilt. The narcissist and borderline personality disowns his/her shame, envy, and rage and blames it on others. For addicts it can get more jumbled, confusing, and overwhelming.

This is why the spiritual path is so intensely soothing - with its insistence that we are lovable children of God who deserve a second chance, no matter what.


ANOMIE
Greek: a = without; nomos = law; lawlessness, absence of guidelines for conduct
Instability in society: caused by abandonment of moral and social codes
Social alienation: a feeling of disorientation and alienation from society caused by the perceived absence of a supporting social or moral framework
Disregard of Divine law
Absence of accepted social standards
Mismatch between individual circumstances and larger social mores
Absence of a free horizon of expectation
Absence of mutual dependence
Individual feels not needed !
collective social disorder greatly relevant

see also: 1897 Durkheim studies of suicide and Wikipedia



SHAME & SELF-SABOTAGE - notes - 1st group

Shame is about who you are
while guilt is about what you have done (or haven't done, but should have.
Depression and anxiety are intertwined.
What is shame-based thinking?

Ideas about epitaphs:
She tried to be perfect and failed
She was just not a sunny girl
She was a smart girl with a nasty stupid streak
She was a total flake
She didn’t do her paperwork on time
She was trying to be smaller, quieter, and smiling

Themes:
we try to be perfect at all times – or else we self-flagellate
our behavior is designed to manipulate others
we are under the illusion that WE know what is right and the other person is just wrong

Contributions identifying shame-based internal verbalizations:

Group member quotes::
If things go wrong it is so because I caused it
I lie to myself about my intentions
I can’t do life - I just want to die
I remember everything I do wrong and think I have lost credibility with everybody
When I’m afraid I find something terrible with everything I look at
I want total consistency
I want to be able to explain everything in a convincing way
There is a potential of blame everywhere
I’ll never be good enough
I’m weak and defective and no one will ever love me
I’m a fake – I’m not what I represent myself to be
I’m shit
I’m not going to get any better than this
Just give up
Don’t even try
It’s too good to be true
Good things happen to other people, not to me
I don’t have money
I don’t have blue eyes
If I wasn’t such an awful human being, these things wouldn’t happen
If I have to depend on myself then I’m doomed
May be I’m being punished for something terrible I did in a previous life
I should have…
I should be like Suze Ormond, but I can’t and I don’t want to. She depresses me to death.
I hate myself and I wanna die
Whatever I’ll be doing, it’s wrong
If I’m quiet, I don’t like it. If I’m loud, I hate it.
I have made a mistake – this is a catastrophe – it’s too late now to fix it

On relationships:
I’m fuckable, but not keepable
People will fuck me , but won’t commit to me, because I’m not
cute, pretty, sexy, funny, smart , and/or talented enough to be loved
If they find out who I really am they will be disappointed
I’m just inadequate in every realm – except in bed, but they still don’t want me
My boyfriend left me - I must have driven him away
It’s my fault that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore
I wanted him to care
I wanted his attention, so I pushed, and pushed, and pushed until he just shut down
That’s all you’ve got?

Identify the Purpose of this Group:
Make shame-based thinking conscious by vocalizing it in a group so we can get comfort through identification with others
We work through these thoughts and replace them with friendly or at least truthful mental constructs
We are going to utilize the power of the spoken word

Affirmations for this Week:
I am lovable
I deserve to be happy today
I am my own good mother
* I can fix this problem
Remember: Do not say anything bad about yourself, because you just may believe it!

money or integrity

* let it go * let it go * let it go * let it go * let it go *

mandarine mondays 9

ongoing meditation group on Monday mornings 10:00 – 11:00 am
at my office on 337 South Beverly Drive # 101, Beverly Hills 90212
(between Olympic and Wilshire)

Looking back onto certain dilemmas,
it can seem as though we had to choose
between success or integrity.
Another way of looking at it:
learn from experiences and improve.
Take an honest look at what we have done so far.
Realize that by lying or manipulating others –
in fact we are cheating ourselves.
It is essential to take responsibility
for our actions and their consequences –
then make amends - even if it’s hard.
As long as we lack self-respect –
we feel compelled to self-sabotage.
Healing childhood shame is only possible
when we establish self-esteem
through estimable conduct.

Visual Imagery:
Imagine sitting at a deliciously fresh mountain creek
on an enchanted meadow,
having dragged along a huge bag
with the toxic waste from all your life,
taking the opportunity to bury it
in an abandoned little cellar and leave it behind…

* let it go * let it go * let it go * let it go * let it go *

GIVING AND RECEIVING

* blossom * blossom * blossom * blossom * blossom * blossom *

mandarine mondays 8
ongoing meditation group on Monday mornings 10:00 – 11:00 am
at my office on 337 South Beverly Drive # 101, Beverly Hills 90212
(between Olympic and Wilshire)


Yes, this is what matters in life -
the exchange between all living beings for mutual benefit.
Don’t you think?
Today we looked at it a little more in detail, as in
“what to offer on a daily basis and what to focus on”?
Show interest in life and people –
practice listening, hearing, empathizing -
be patient, loving, and kind.
Never say or write hurtful things!
This is how you become a magnet for love and life energy -
remember there is no shortage of love, energy, or money!
Be open to receive life and the gifts being lavished onto you!

Visualization:
- Imagine being Gulliver, pegged down by the little people.
That’s what it is like when you’re tied down by the past.
Realize that it’s all in your mind,
meaning you can bust the ties just by flexing your muscles.
- Imagine your recovery from shame like a little plant,
which is growing with magical speed into a splendid tree
that carries millions of luscious leaves, blossoms, and fruit.
- Project love out to your world!

* blossom * blossom * blossom * blossom * blossom * blossom *

MONEY & EGO

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am

mandarine mondays
ongoing meditation group on Monday mornings 10:00 – 11:00 am
at my office on 337 South Beverly Drive # 101, Beverly Hills 90212
(between Olympic and Wilshire)

Kicking it up a notch –
Looking at our primate nature,
…instinctual urges towards domination,
(trying to be or seek out alpha males and females…)
and justifications if we haven’t …
a waste of energy is what that is
(it's NOT about how we compare to others).
Looked at the positive aspect of ego – as in identity -
where our life force is NOT wasted on trying to control
the space between ourselves and the others...
rather on being who we are!

Decided
- to focus our energy on “I AM” as in “I am here now breathing”,
- to quit wasting precious delicious life energy
on regrets about not having had an umbrella yesterday
(or whatever it was that we did or didn’t do)
- and to quit comparing ourselves to others
(even if they didn’t get wet in the rain when we did).
... and use all the energy we got for this day …

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am